So What’cha Want?

There’s a real hatred against the idea of want lately. How dare you and you shouldn’t. Ever. Want. Want is bad. Greed is not good. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

I’m throwing a fit.

There’s  a very real push for gratitude even while we actively pretend want is not present. Gratitude is the 2nd cousin of want. Once removed.

It’s OK if you get something you want… but only IF you immediately call it gratitude.

I got this boat. Dude, I’m extremely grateful.

Well, no shit.

It’s easy to be thankful for a fucking boat.

It’s not so easy to be #grateful for cancer or autism or #blessed when your family member is strung out on #cocaine.

It’s easy to be grateful for my four kids with 40 toes and the expectation they will someday move out.


I am. But, I don’t think I did anything special and it doesn’t make me any MORE special if I pretend I didn’t want them to move out.

Because I do.

You do too.

If you say they should be little forever, does this mean you love yours more?


Probably not.

Even if I hated parenting on Tuesday, maybe I still deserve my own bathroom on Wednesday. Maybe I even one day deserve to go to Paris even though I once wished my kids were so quiet I forgot I had them.

Sometimes, I’m not grateful or full of grace. I am angry and short-tempered and not. fucking. worthy.

Still, every one of my kids has 10 toes.

We all deserve nice things.

But we make good things our crutch. We’re not allowed to expect things to work out. Or 10 toes. Or happy endings.

And we’re forced into subdued perspective. Instead of blinding gratitude. Perspective is fed by guilt and gratitude is fed by “the real thing”. Good things happen even and especially while we’re flawed.

Gratitude despite #beinghuman.

I’m not worthy. But still, 4 x 10 toes. I’m convinced I don’t deserve it.

But, I do. You do too. We’re built for complexity.

We’re inherently #grateful.



  1. love your posts! Love the rant! Totally agree! Wanting more, better, faster,higher, is a human condition. Can we have a larger font?

  2. I loved this post! I feel the same way (2 kids, 20 toes).
    I want my own bathroom too.

  3. Monica says:

    I love you and I love your writing. It’s perfect. I could read you all day.

    PS. Hey, what are you doing for Mothers’ day? I announced to my family that we were going to re-name it Mommypalooza and do whatever I wanted all day long. My son said “Oh no…” hubs had a look on his face and said “Oh, really?” The schedule for Mommypalooza includes: Taking the boat out on the water and going fishing (it’s a rowboat I bought in the dead of winter), and building a chicken house. BTW I asked your hubs to ask you if you wanted to go out that night for drinks… wanna go out?

  4. A-fucking-dore.

  5. So, no one has an extra toe, then?

  6. Sunshine says:

    Thank you for getting it. My daughter has a terminal illness and more than anything, it has taught us the meaning of THANKFUL and GRATEFUL and GRACE. Thank you. Thank you for understanding, if only for a moment. You are blessed. We are all blessed. We just need to stop and see it.

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