It was the best of worsts; it was the worst of worsts.

This year was not my favorite. It was also not my least favorite. Congratulations, 2014 – you sure did a mediocre job. 2015, I’m not going to lie, you have some pretty average size shoes to fill.

Because everyone is talking about what they’d like to do better in 2015, I’d like to take a moment to really appreciate all of the stuff I gloriously fucked up in 2014.

Worst Parenting Moment – If I were a Ms. Bad Parenting pageant contestant, I’d stand up in front of all of you in ill-fitting sequins assless chaps and when asked to showcase my worst parenting moment, I’d say, “All of them.” and if you asked me to please narrow it down for the judges, I’d say, “No.” and then for good measure I’d say, “And World Peace!” because that is how you win pageants.

Worst Human Moment – I accidentally stole a kid’s scooter. It was a mistake and I feel horrible about it. I felt even more horrible when the series of cockamamy events made the scenario absolutely hysterical except for the actual “alleged” stealing of said scooter. From a school. On camera. Whatever, don’t act like you’ve never stolen a child’s scooter from an elementary school. I bet you have 15 stolen scooters in your garage right now. Don’t judge me. But, if you are judging me I have one thing to say, “And World Peace!”

Worst Wife Moment – I got a tattoo even though my husband explicitly and repeatedly and with fucking feeling expressed his desire that I not get one. And I said, “Honey – love of my life, I hear you loud and clear and I’m doing it anyway.” I’m pretty sure this falls under the For Better or For Worse category. I think the size and placement of said tattoo will have me disqualified from the swimsuit competition. You can thank me later.

Worst Employee Moment – I forgot to call our local Fire Department to let them know the school where I work was having a Fire Drill and the Fire Department showed up. I still have my job mostly because no one complains when firemen show up in their big, shiny truck. Ever.

and now, a year in review:

My ass got bigger and bigger and then smaller and is now bigger again and applying for its own zip code.

My children got bigger and bigger and then even bigger and they are now applying for parental emancipation.

My husband started to go grey and then more grey and is now a silver fox and FUCK YOU, MEN for aging so gracefully.

My breasts got longer and longer and longer and are now mistaken for bongo drums when I squat.

My ideas got big and bigger and bigger and filled all of the spaces in my brain but didn’t necessarily break through the gates onto paper or into actual changes in actual living. We can’t all be Martha Stewart. I’d settle for prison Martha Stewart’s drunk cousin.

The internet was as mean as it ever was but always made me laugh just enough that I never threw my computer dramatically out of a window. “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it….oh wait, is that a fat cat climbing into a tiny box? Hilarious.”

Money was money. It came, it went and we managed. It’s just money. It all works out in the end.

Health – We’re still alive. Fuck yeah!

Motherhood was tough. This is where you say, “No shit, Sherlock. That’s the gig”.

Marriage was tough. We loved each other through the whole year even when we didn’t like each other. No matter how many bachelor pads he decorated in his mind, he’s still here. That’s love.

Working saved me. I’ve never been so happy to make such a small paycheck. My house is filthy. It’s a constant struggle to get everyone where they need to be. I’ve never been happier. I learned that I need to leave my home every day in order to be a better mother. If mama ain’t happy…

Friendships – Some flourished and others suffered from failure to thrive. And we don’t push it anymore. Everyone finds their people.

We witnessed far more birth than death.

We laughed more than we cried.

If a door was slammed in our face, we opted to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid guy.

and some really inspirational shit even happened.

I almost forgot…

2014 is the year WE STOPPED BUYING DIAPERS! I believe the feeling this fact pumps through my body is called ecstasy. Not the drug kind. The high on life kind.

Enjoy your last few days of 2014. Don’t be ashamed to celebrate the bad because “Baby, without the sour the sweet just isn’t as sweet.”

Happy New Year.





Comments

  1. Michelle olson says:

    I just want to let you know how much I enjoy your page. As a mother of 3 grown children, I have been through so many of the scenerios you write about. Now the grandmother of 2 eight year olds (and raising them), I am going through it again, with lot’s of humor and a little more patience. Not taking things too seriously, laughing at yourself and your kids is the only way to get through it all. My grown children have awesome senses of humor, and can easily laugh at themselves. Now I can pass my humor down to my grandchildren. Thanks for an awesome page. Keep up the good work

  2. Tears in my eyes. You’re my favorite thing on facebook. Don’t stop writing.

    Have a happy new year.

  3. I’m ambivalent about 2014, but I love you.

    OH WAIT, we stopped buying diapers in 2014, too!!! Now I kind of want to make out with 2014 a little bit before 2015 sees us together.

  4. mistaken for bongos when I squat… BWAHAHAH
    I think we had our worst year. As my friends keep telling me ‘2015 HAS to be better’. I think the pressure might just be too much for the next year to live up to. Instead I have been saying ‘2015 has to be’, thereby relieving the pressure to be good, like a Tupperware burp. It makes me feel better.
    No diaper, that is something to celebrate!

  5. I love that I was able to meet you at BlogU14, and I love this line in the post: Friendships – Some flourished and others suffered from failure to thrive. And we don’t push it anymore. Everyone finds their people.

    I love that I’ve found some of my people. And they are just as fucked up as I am.

  6. This gave me good chills. I love the way you put the good and the bad into perspective. Life marches on whether we want it to or not. I am sitting here getting my grays colored. They are all around my temples, and the other day I told someone if I was a man, my salt and pepper would be totally hot. So unfair. Love you. Love your words.

  7. 2014 was pretty mediocre over here too. It wasn’t bad, and even had some moments of brilliance. Huh, maybe it was pretty good afterall. Thank you, brain, for forgetting so much stuff but remembering those few standout moments so that I can look back and misremember stuff rosily. Somehow you stealing a scooter ended up being a highlight in my year.

  8. Literally had a mental breakdown in 2013 that lasted into 2014, and lost touch with Internet reality, and I suspect that’s why I had the breakdown in the first place. If I’d kept my laptop firmly on my lap, and had found hilarity such as yours, I could have easily bounced back from this depression shit. Plus I’m all about a mom who says Fuck yeah about keeping everyone alive. You’re awesome. I’m crushing on you big time.

  9. Reflecting on the year gone by can help us to move forward and have a better current year, but more so when we focus on what we did right. As funny and cathartic as writing about our “worst” moments can be, it is essential that we spend more time on the successes. By celebrating our successes we are in a state of gratitude and are energetically open to attracting more successes in our lives.

Speak Your Mind

*