You may remember me from Walmart.

I’ve never told this story in print. It’s my own version of the (sub)urban legend; that time everything goes stunningly wrong to the point of absurdity.

I’m telling it now because frankly, I can’t remember where I put my keys and, I want my great-great grandchildren to one day sit around a fire-lit room and give thanks that I’ve long since passed and am no longer around to serve as a constant scourge on our lineage.

I was pregnant. I was in Walmart. I was wearing a see-though dress. Hold up, this sounds like the beginning of a country song!

I was pregnant
In the Walmart
Folks saw my panties
Oh the shame
Oh the shame
Ohhhh the shaaaaaaaaaaaame

I’ll get back to those lyrics later.

So, I was pregnant inside of a Walmart. So far, so good. Pretty par for the course. I was in a see-through dress. Well…still not that atypical. I mean, Walmart. BUT, what was atypical about my People of Walmart experience is that I didn’t know my dress was see-through.

AHA! FUN!

I also was wearing my very last pair of underwear because I had been too ill to do laundry. It was an adorable pair of incredibly stretchy boy short undies that I’d bought before I got married. They were black and had giant, white bubble letters printed on the ass that said: I LOVE ROBERT!

So, I’m hobbling through the Walmart proclaiming my ass’s love for Robert when all of a sudden, I feel ill. I mean, really ill; leave the shopping cart full of cheese and Preparation-H in the aisle and run to the bathroom ill. I made it just in time to vomit in a stall with the door wide open….with a baby strapped to my chest.

Oh, I didn’t mention the baby. Right. I had a baby in a pack strapped to my body.

I was pregnant
In a Walmart
Folks saw my panties
I then vomited
In the stall
With my baaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaa-bbbbb-y

This song is getting really good.

I stumbled to the sink, rinsed out my mouth, re-adjusted my baby and went back to my cart.

Then, people started to stare. I must have really looked ill. I can only image. Thankfully, I didn’t need to imagine for long. I passed a mirror in the Home Goods section. My neck was bleeding – blood was all over my neck and my baby’s hand. Apparently, while I was vomiting, she’d scratched a mole on my neck.

To recap: I was pregnant, carrying a baby with a bloody hand. I had blood dripping down my neck. I had just vomited. My ass loves Robert and everyone knows it. This is all happening in Walmart. We all on the same page?

Good.

I ran back to the same bathroom and cleaned off my neck. Nothing else could possibly go wrong now.

Oh, what a silly woman I am.

At check-out, the young cashier seemed very uncomfortable. I chalked it up to breath. I realized she’d probably seen worse. I was still feeling pretty good about myself until she said, “Ma’am, your…ummm…dress.”

I looked down and one breast was hanging out. A complete breast. At some point between blood clean-up and check out, my baby had pulled down one side of my dress. How long had I been walking around with an exposed breast? Some of life’s mysteries are better left unanswered.

I fixed my dress, mumbled something about the day I was having and sauntered off letting her and everyone get one last look at my Robert lovin’ ass.

I arrived back at my sister-in-law’s house. As I relayed this story she said, “Do you know your dress is completely see-through?” and I laughed and said, “Yeah right. That’s hilarious.” and she said, “No. Really. I can see your underwear.” and it was at this moment that I realized that not only was I eligible for the People of Walmart website, I was the People of Walmart President. You can call me Madame President, thank you very much.

I was pregnant
The day my baby
Scratched my neck mole
And I puked in a public restroom
STAAAAAAAhhhhhhL
Then my boob, it was out
While I wandered about
And my rear
Told the secrets of my heart

I was pregnant
In a Walmart
I had hemorrhoids
My baby
Made me bleed
In the aisles
It wouldn’t be so bad
If I had just stayed in bed
Now I’m President
Of People of Walmart

Ok guys, is this good enough to sing now?

Until next time, you’ve never shown your panties in a Walmart and you’re a lady goddammit.

Yours until the end of time,
Bad Parenting Moments





Comments

  1. I need to know more about the dress – was it a white, jersey knit, sheathy type dress? Just trying to flesh out the details here. Flesh, get it? BECAUSE YOU WERE ALMOST NAKED.

    • It was a light, lilac – tie top Old Navy dress with the ruffle on the bottom and FUCK OLD NAVY, they’re dead to me.

  2. Omg, you just made my day. Just came back from Wal-Mart – thought my trip was the worse. Thank you!!

  3. Wow. The hits just keep on coming 🙂 This makes my time as a Walmart person seem much less.. Walmarty. Thank you!

    By the way, I was wearing jeans that had torn (I found out later). Only, the tore out the whole left side. My whole left ass side was showing. To make it worse, I go for comfort when wearing jeans so I had on big, white granny panties. Yes. And it wasn’t just Walmart. Oh no, I had to run errands that day so pretty much the whole small town I live in got to see my granny pantied left ass cheek.

    I didn’t mind so much except that NOBODY TOLD ME. I was walking around all day and no one took the time to tap me on the shoulder and say, “Miss, it seems you’ve torn your pants a wee bit.” Nadda. I will remember this! *shakes fist in the air* I will avenge my left ass cheek!

  4. Mishelle Moore says:

    I’m dying.. absolutely dying! Thank you for such a great story… Motherhood sure puts us in some strange positions doesn’t it?!

  5. I think you and I might just be sisters…….

  6. Thanks so much for the much needed laugh!

  7. Hahahaha times infinity. That is all I can muster at this point.
    I must dry tears so I can subscribe.

  8. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry….and you made me laugh until tears came! Thank you!

  9. Sorry, but I’m dying laughing at you right now. Wow, just when you think things can’t get any worse. I was once pregnant in a Walmart with a baby in the cart when I didn’t make it to the bathroom on time and threw up in the frozen food isle. It took me a year to venture back in.

  10. OMG! That is hysterical.

  11. Braaa haaa haaa! Best. Story. Ever.

  12. You love Robert, and I love you.

  13. Thank you for making me feel much better about my outfit today!

  14. Genius! Mark Twain would be envious,

    Will

  15. Can’t. Breathe. Laughing. Too. Hard.

  16. Only the absolute worst shit can happen in wal mart. No good can come from that place. None.

  17. I think I just peed myself. Hahahahahahahahahahahhahahaaa!!

  18. I never liked country music until now.
    xo

  19. Your friend, Dawn says:

    Your life, my friend, is a whole freaking country and western album.

  20. Andrea Miller says:

    I’m really sorry for laughing at you but OMG I have tears streaming down my face!! Thank you!

  21. Bethany H. says:

    Please tell me that Robert was NOT, in fact, the name of your baby daddy. And that someone who would know this recognized you.

  22. Veronica Bohan says:

    It’s not quite as bad, but when I was 17, my boyfriend and his friend and I went to our small town grocery store after school for some snacks or something. Earlier that day, My skirt zipper, which my mom had put in, failed me, I caught the skirt and safety pinned it up, no problem. I got out of the car and made my way around his Geo Metro only for him to stare at my in shock and then ask “What are you doing?!” in absolute horror. I had no idea what he meant and expressed as much. He just repeated the same thing a couple of times. Then I looked down to see that my pin had vanished and my skirt was around my ankles with my very old, very worn, fabric hanging off of the elastic condition panties visible to the whole of our town since the store was on the main street which was very busy that day and the parking lot was full of people going to and from their cars. I could have died. I hiked up my skirt and just held it up the rest of the day, but man, I don’t think I have been so embarrassed by anything before or since. Just his exlcamation of “What are you doing?!” is stuck in my memory to this day!

  23. Best thing i’ve read in a long while! thanks for the belly laugh 🙂

  24. Shelley in Southern Illinois says:

    I was in a grocery store with my someday-husband’s-best-friend shopping for a super bowl party. I needed Velveeta. I had never shopped this store before and as I walked down the first aisle I saw a cart with nothing but Velveeta in it. It was like a spotlight was focused on that Velveeta. So I looked around briefly, saw no one, and took the Velveeta. And at that moment the lady who had put the Velveeta in her cart walks up and gives me a dirty look. I laughed, said sorry, but where did she get the Velveeta, it is so hard to find because it isn’t with cheese most times. I kid you not, she didn’t even move her feet. She just reached to the shelf behind her and handed me another package of Velveeta. My boyfriend’s friend looked at me like I had lost my mind. And every time I saw that lady in an aisle after that she ran and hid.

  25. I am snort laughing, I can’t even stand it. Going back in to read again.

  26. I am not really even that sorry that I am laughing so hard at your expense, Madame President. 😀

  27. I am laughing my ass off!

  28. OH MY GOD!! I’m dying. Did you ever go back to that Walmart?

  29. That was a really ugly laugh! Snorty, snotty, ugly laugh. I love it.

  30. Jennie Ricketts says:

    I feel your pain!!! I often wondered if there were others out there like me? lol I don’t have the great undies that you have but….I manage to accidentally make a spectacle out of myself on regular occasions!!! Lets just hope that no one caught it on video and is winning 100,000 $ that you should be entitled to! lol

  31. Amanda Campbell says:

    Your day at walmart was so much worse than my worst day at walmart. I had a 10 month old son riding in the front carrier, I was 6 weeks pregnant and had severe hyperemesis (ending about half and hour AFTER I had my second child). I was grocery shopping and felt very sick to my stomach, hot flashes, sweats, you know the full body sick you feel when you’re gonna throw up….yeah, that. I ran to the other side of the store to the bathrooms, somehow actually making it without need for cleanup on aisle 4, and was sick for about 10 minutes. When I was finally feeling well enough to leave the stall, I realize not only have I peed on myself during the worst heaving of my life, but I’ve also ripped the ass of my (only pair that fit) jeans. When I actually came out of the stall there are several WM employees standing in the restroom waiting on me. Someone had heard me and called the manager. Thank GOD, one of the walmart employees that was in the restroom knew me, as I had work there through three years of HS. When she saw my state of “disrepair” she took my baby, my debit card, and my sizes and went off the find me a package of underwear and a pair of yoga pants. I still thank her when I see her.

  32. One of those laugh or you’ll be crying moments! Kids and being a mom just puts us in some positions…

    Hope your week was 100 percent better after that!

  33. Holy Moly, woman, take that song down to Nashville right now. You’ve got a hit on your hands. I love the Robert-loving ass. Who the hell was Robert?

  34. Holy moley I was having a bad day until I read your post! Thanks I need that 🙂

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