Hair!

I walked in my bathroom this morning and a strange man was lurking there. I said, “Sir, who are you and how the hell did you get in my house?”

I was looking at myself in the mirror. I have a mustache.

I can’t exactly pinpoint when I started morphing into a bear, but, it’s happening and I’m worried that I’m now on some sort of grooming hell fast track. Is all of the postpartum hair I lost going to reappear spontaneously and with interest and, not on my head?

I got as close to the mirror as possible to survey my upper lip thinking that Tom Selleck would have been jealous. What I lack in sex appeal, I make up for in impressive lip hair volume. Size does matter ladies, especially when it looks like a family of woolly bear caterpillars colonized on your face.

I was panicked. I stood there, forehead pressed against the mirror going over every inane bit of hair removal advice I had ever heard. I pulled deep into my soul and remembered the hushed whispers of female relatives after dinner and their third Wild Turkey on the rocks.

1) I must NEVER shave it or it will grow back thicker and darker.

2) I must never wax it or I will damage the delicate skin above the lip. I would end up with scars or wrinkles or scurvy.

I can’t remember all the details. I was 8 and hiding under a coffee table, ok?

I suddenly realized that my drunk relatives had this all wrong because I have a mustache. ON MY FACE. I think we can all agree that, removal method preferences aside, something must be done. And quickly before I surrender and buy sculpting wax and start auditioning for civil war battle reenactments.

While I played the world’s most frightening game of “What if…” in my mind, I decided to shower. I took off my clothes and..WHAT THE EVER LOVING FOLLICLE was that?

I have hair. On my nipples.

You have got to be kidding me.

How long was I playing the role of Chewbacca in the bedroom and why didn’t my husband ever tell me? I suddenly questioned our entire marriage. If he wasn’t telling me that I looked like Planet of the Apes in a bra, how could I trust him with anything.

Sinking into a pit of desphair (see what I did there?), I knew what had to be done.

Walmart. With my 6 year old.

We stood in the shaving and hair removal aisle while he shouted, “Why do you need to look at so many things in this aisle? You already have razors. What is this thing? What does W-A-X spell? Why does that lady have something on her face? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?”

I had to get out of there so I bought one of everything. I will probably have to use them all to make a dent.

Sinking even deeper still into my pit of desphair, I knew what had to be done.

The liquor store. With my 6 year old.

Now armed with vodka and enough hair removal products to effectively war against a livid nation of Wildebeest, I am finally ready to tame the mane.

Of the stages of grief, I think I’ve made it to acceptance. Make yourself useful and hand me that weed whacker.

Until next time, this is Bad Parenting Moments hoping you don’t mistake yourself for a male intruder in your own home.

I'm on the Faculty! I can't wait to meet you.

I’m on the Faculty! I can’t wait to meet you.





Comments

  1. In your defense, most sane people need to go to the liquor store after a trip into Walmart.

  2. If you have Aloe Vera in the house be sure to use that on your hair free areas after waxing. It takes some of the sting out and it reduces the swelling/splotching and remember the alcohol makes you bleed more if there are any rips/tears on your lip. Good luck!

  3. Don’t under estimate the heartbreak of lip scurvy.

    If you are fine of hair enough to get dipilatories to work, I tip my hat to you. For those hairs that are the physical manifestation of decades of pent up hostility, tweeze or try Nads wax strips. The name is utterly ridiculous but its good shit.

  4. What the heck is up with the nipple hair?!? I have the same thing ever since I was pregnant with my first. Just one nipple. Now my boobs look like husband and wife. It’s creepy. But you better believe I shave that shit…just very carefully.

  5. LOVE this post!!!! Ha, ha… I love you.

  6. Black hairs on chin; check. Nipple hairs; check. Bikini line halfway down my thighs; check. Big toe hair long enough to braid; check. Pass the wax, and share the bottle!

  7. Jennifer says:

    OMG Thank you! You literally prevented me from circling the drain (filled with my own hair!)

  8. Ha! You just reminded me of when I was in junior high and decided to shave the tiny amount of fuzz I had above my lip with my grandfather’s electric razor. The night I did it I lay awake in bed with that very thought – “It will grow back thicker and darker!” haunting me. It grew back exactly the same as it was. But I never took a razor to my face again.

  9. Haha thank you for this! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

  10. Michaela says:

    I found a white one…DOWN THERE. And I’m 34…I thought I was going to cry – and then the four-year old demanded to know what I was doing in the bathroom. Telling him that I was mourning the loss of my youth meant nothing to him.

    • Michaela says:

      Oh, and I wax the hell out of my face twice a month and pluck other areas as needed – since my 20s. I know the Chewbacca feeling well.

  11. You know why your female relatives were standing around, drunk, having hushed discussion of hair removal? Because that sh*t is genetic! Now call your mom and tell her that while you greatly appreciate your beautiful and flowing locks, it would have been nice to get a pre-pubescent run down on the value of Nair.

    PS: check for stray hairs between the outside corner of your eyebrows and your hairline. That little space caught me unaware after my third child.

  12. I had to pluck my nip hairs when nursing my babies. The hairs were so long that they would poke them in the eye when they were trying to feed. Postpartum is the BEST!

  13. Skip the waxing and tweezing. Find a Threading Salon. If you don’t know what Threading is, it’s an Asian technique for hair removal that is incredibly precise, and the hair grows back in thinner and fairly slowly. I get my upper lip and eyebrows done about ever 3-4 weeks. $10 total! Also, the person who recommended aloe is totally right, whether you wax or have it threaded. Good luck!

  14. I’ve had that trouble since high school. Another option if you don’t like shaving or waxing or threading is bleach. Make sure to use facial quality hair bleach (the hey sell it by the Nair) and test first so you know you don’t react to the stuff (swollen red upper lip is worse than noticeable hair…

  15. Firstly, it’s adorable that you only have this hair now. I’ve had rogue nip hairs and a stache since 7th grade, but I’m Sicilian. Secondly, that shaving thing is a total lie. I shave the stache weekly, the only issue being sometimes this one hair comes back REALLY spiky. The rest has remained soft and a lovely shade of brown. The nips get a quick tweeze. Wait until the day you discover how useful your husband’s nose hair buzzer attachment is.

    Want to go out and be sexy together?

  16. I just peed myself.

  17. I have a deal with my best friend that if one of us is in the hospital or something similar the other will take care of waxing. I don’t want to be in a coma with a mustache and chin hairs a mile long.

  18. I have never laughed so hard as I did while reading this. Mostly because it’s so true. If the hairs not too long, bleaching your upper lip helps!

  19. This is my life. except for the beard, occasional neck hair and middle of the chest hair to keep the nip hair company. I remember sitting on my gramma’s lap pulling her grey chin whiskers cause she couldn’t see em. really surprised me that I wasn’t hurting her! DO NOT SHAVE YOUR FACE! unless you’d care to join the circus… not that I have any true life intelligence on the subject, but I did once see a girl with a 5 o’clock shadow and my mom told me that she probably shaved her face once..(and we all know our mom’s know everything)

    • oh, and the belly button line….

    • not to mention when you have plucked one and the poor thing can’t figure out how to break thru the skin again and becomes a festering spool of a single hair disguised in a pimple…. give that puppy some relief and discover a 2″ hair was the culprit..

  20. Good Old Granny says:

    Wait til you guys go through menopause. It gets worse. My husband now refers to me as a Lord of the Rings dwarf woman.

Speak Your Mind

*