Some days I am a halfway decent parent and human being. SOME days. And, some days, I am appalled that any hospital let me leave its premises with a human infant…four times.
Today was the latter.
It has been awhile since I last changed sheets. Maybe during the last ice age. 1 queen size, two sets of bunk beds and a crib make that, let’s see, 2 + 4 and carry the 5 x 500 pillow pets and 15 stray socks found where sheet meets mattress = It’s a lot of bedding, ok?
I avoid this chore like exercise and volunteer committees.
I was lovingly placing the finishing touches on the 3 year old’s bottom bunk when my 8 year old said, “Mommy, can you make my bed too?”
And I said, “Of course sweetie! Your bed is next.”
And I was so very proud of myself for the next 3 minutes…until…
I attempted my climb to the top bunk which may as well have been Mount Everest. The top bunk is not built for Mom thighs. The ladder mocked me. “Oh, look…the big one is trying to climb us. Look guys, she can’t even figure it out. Seriously, she’s going to slip again.” So, when I reached the summit, imagine my shock.
It was like prison up there.
No sheet. 15 books under her pillow. No fitted sheet. No actual sheet. Did you hear me…NO SHEETS. And, we could talk about the mattress, but, I don’t want to. Because, it’s not even a mattress. It was a toddler bed pad – split into three separate sections. It’s thin and oh my God, I am the worst.
I said, “Ummm, you don’t have any sheets. How long have you been without sheets?”
She said, “I don’t know. A while, I think.”
I said, “Why are you sleeping on the thin bed pads? How did this happen?”
She said, “I think something happened when you were fixing the beds last time. I think you couldn’t finish? I don’t know. I don’t remember. It was a while ago.”
Her memoir, “I don’t remember. It was a while ago.” is sure to be the new Mommy Dearest.
NO MORE SHEETS. EVER!
The only thing missing up there was a metal cup for her to rattle against the bed guard.
Don’t worry, it gets better because the unused top bunk of my son’s bed was luxuriously appointed with a double mattress, an eggshell mattress topper, sheets, two pillows and several blankets so that the invisible person who sleeps there can get the good night’s sleep they so richly deserve.
I spent the next 2 hours dragging mattresses and fluffing pillows and rearranging bedding. I tucked corners and put the softest sheets I could find on poor Cinderella’s bed.
How did I miss this? For weeks *cough…months*. How is it possible? Right, the ladder. That bastard.
I give kisses at the bottom of the bed. Nobody puts baby in a corner unless it’s the corner of an unmade prison cot bunk bed.
Upside: I walked away with a new appreciation for my daughter. That girl is the opposite of a diva. She never complained. Not once. She never asked for a sheet. She never complained that her mattress pads were uncovered and probably drifting apart every night. She never balked or fussed or did anything but kiss us goodnight and climb up to her totally barren wasteland of a bed.
The old fable says that a princess would be able to feel a pea under a stack of dozens of mattresses, but, I’m pretty sure a real princess would do exactly what my daughter has done – kissed her family goodnight and made the best of things.
So, despite my utter failings and flailing, we have ourselves a bona fide princess.
I hope she marries royalty. We could all use some Egyptian cotton up in here.