Attack of the 5′ 2″ Invisible Woman

This is our first year with several of the children at school all day. When I’m not busy spinning in fields, I do give it the ol’ college try to keep the children still under my full-time care alive. True, I never graduated from college or officially attended any of my 7:50 a.m. classes, but, so far so good. In addition to celebration amongst the wild flowers, I fill my day with various other meaningful (according to societal measures of achievement) tasks. I mail things. I fill out forms. I pay for things. I wash things. I fold the things I’ve washed. I put all the things away. I cook things. I clean up after the things I’ve cooked. All in all, it’s a real swell time, doll! *Wink. Nudge. Throws fedora in air.*

Somewhere along the line the details of how I spend my day were lost in translation or, I am, in fact, invisible OR, my kids are delusional.

The following are a series of post-school conversations with my children:

Me: My arm is sore.
Eldest: Oh, is it from sleeping on it all day?
Me: *chokes on peanut butter filled pretzel* Do you think I SLEEP all day?
Eldest: *Whistles and skips away*

Son: Mama, did the lady come and clean our bathroom today? It smells nice.
Me: What lady?
Son: The lady who cleans when we go to school.
Me: I AM THAT LADY!
Son: You’re so funny, mama!
Me: *Stands motionless with mouth agape, toilet brush in hand*

Honey Badger: I’m hungry.
Me: Would you like a banana? An apple?
Honey Badger: You NEVER make us food! You always go out to eat with your friends!
Me: Ummm, I did hover over my computer eating a sandwich today…that doesn’t count as eating with friends.
Honey Badger: Daddy always makes us dinner. You NEVER DO!
Me: *Throws casserole through window*

Eldest: Do you pack our lunches?
Me: No, a magical fairy comes in the middle of the night and packs them for you.
Eldest: COOL!
Me: *Punches myself unconscious*

However, there is one fool-proof way to get your children to notice you. Simply don’t do one of the things they never notice and they will immediately notice. It’s their special gift. For example, I generally place a small love note on the napkin in my children’s lunch boxes. Yesterday, I forgot. This was waiting for me when I unpacked eldest’s (7) lunch box.

HEY! You forgot something that I normally never notice. What gives, mom?

HEY! You forgot something that I normally never notice. What gives, mom?

So, when anyone tells you being a parent is a thankless job, please assure them that they are 100% correct and then promptly send them this post.

This is Bad Parenting Moments, over and out. KITT, please reactivate my cloaking device.





Comments

  1. I remember when I was a kid telling everyone that would listen that my mom didnt do anything all day!! Lol

  2. One of these days I’m going to show up at your house with a bag of popped popcorn, perch on a bar stool in the kitchen, and enjoy the entertainment (the entertainment, of course, being us sharing a bottle of wine while we feed all our kids popcorn for dinner and send them outside to play or sleep or whatever it is they do out there). *clink*

  3. “Bon-bons don’t unwrap themselves.” HA! Love this! My 3yo is in the “You NEVER EVER [feed us/love us/have anything positive to offer to the universe]” phase. Hell, if I’m not needed here, I just saw a Groupon for a trip to Cabo!!! 😉

  4. My kids are so the same. Unless something doesn’t go quite right and then it’s all how come you gave me the fruit punch juice box? You KNOW I only drink the island punch one. Sigh. Also? I wanna get in on the wine and popcorn family viewing night, please.

  5. I’ve read about bloggers whose kids say to other kids, “Oh, your mommy works. My mommy doesn’t. She just plays with us.” Gahhhhh!

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