This is our first year with several of the children at school all day. When I’m not busy spinning in fields, I do give it the ol’ college try to keep the children still under my full-time care alive. True, I never graduated from college or officially attended any of my 7:50 a.m. classes, but, so far so good. In addition to celebration amongst the wild flowers, I fill my day with various other meaningful (according to societal measures of achievement) tasks. I mail things. I fill out forms. I pay for things. I wash things. I fold the things I’ve washed. I put all the things away. I cook things. I clean up after the things I’ve cooked. All in all, it’s a real swell time, doll! *Wink. Nudge. Throws fedora in air.*
Somewhere along the line the details of how I spend my day were lost in translation or, I am, in fact, invisible OR, my kids are delusional.
The following are a series of post-school conversations with my children:
Me: My arm is sore.
Eldest: Oh, is it from sleeping on it all day?
Me: *chokes on peanut butter filled pretzel* Do you think I SLEEP all day?
Eldest: *Whistles and skips away*
Son: Mama, did the lady come and clean our bathroom today? It smells nice.
Me: What lady?
Son: The lady who cleans when we go to school.
Me: I AM THAT LADY!
Son: You’re so funny, mama!
Me: *Stands motionless with mouth agape, toilet brush in hand*
Honey Badger: I’m hungry.
Me: Would you like a banana? An apple?
Honey Badger: You NEVER make us food! You always go out to eat with your friends!
Me: Ummm, I did hover over my computer eating a sandwich today…that doesn’t count as eating with friends.
Honey Badger: Daddy always makes us dinner. You NEVER DO!
Me: *Throws casserole through window*
Eldest: Do you pack our lunches?
Me: No, a magical fairy comes in the middle of the night and packs them for you.
Me: *Punches myself unconscious*
However, there is one fool-proof way to get your children to notice you. Simply don’t do one of the things they never notice and they will immediately notice. It’s their special gift. For example, I generally place a small love note on the napkin in my children’s lunch boxes. Yesterday, I forgot. This was waiting for me when I unpacked eldest’s (7) lunch box.
So, when anyone tells you being a parent is a thankless job, please assure them that they are 100% correct and then promptly send them this post.
This is Bad Parenting Moments, over and out. KITT, please reactivate my cloaking device.