How low can I go? Pretty. Damn. Low.

Back to school! So great! So exciting! Check out all the shit I can do!

It’s a great day when you get to venture out to Walmart without children. It’s also the saddest day when you fully embrace the level of excitement you feel walking into a Walmart alone. This is how it starts. In a few years, I’ll be purring on the couch wearing a Snuggie and ordering a Ronco “SET IT AND FORGET IT!” rotisserie. My future is so bright, I gotta wear the shades I ordered from QVC after another bout of insomnia.

Our routine was in a rut the size of my ass cheeked imprint on my couch, so, we’ve been walking to school on most-ish days. It’s been an exercise in actually exercising and futility. There is no amount of early that gets us there on time.

I am also packing lunches. I don’t know when or why I decided to take this on. That overachieving bitch is going to get a, “Wake up and smell the french roast!” slap on the face from me as soon as she makes another grand entrance in my mind wearing homemade facial scrub constructed from organic peach pits and raw, local honey.

Between the pre-dawn lunch packing and actual wearing of the brand new tennis shoes I bought two years ago when I promised myself I cared about fitness, is the stack of school paperwork I’ve already forgotten to sign.

Dear Mom,

Today was your child’s share day. He had to share his 1/2 eaten string cheese because you forgot…again.

P.S. You suck.

Sincerely,
Your child’s educator

There is also the attending of school functions because it’s important to be there and because, I hear, everyone loves the screams of younger siblings. Especially in an auditorium during that time of the morning when you’ve had just enough coffee for survival, but, not enough to participate in the actual parenting of the screaming child that everyone insists is yours.

So, there’s that.

It’s never too early to feel like a failure and that is why, just two weeks in, I’m starting to eye the school lunch menu with both interest and desperation. Those “fish“sticks on Thursday might buy me an extra 11.4 minutes of sleep. My kids hate fish. I love sleep. I’m currently weighing my commitment to their happiness.

I fear for them. This is only September. What dark and terrifying depths of mediocrity will next May bring? I picture a bag of microwave popcorn thumb-tacked to the permission slip for last week’s field trip.

If you’re thinking, “Things can only look up!”, you’re very kind to assume this is my rock bottom. Thank you for believing in me.

Until next week, this is the world’s most mediocre mom, over and out.





Comments

  1. Thank you for this! Not only are you entertaining, but you provide just enough evidence for me to justify my own mediocre parenting (because, “see? other parents do this too!”). I feel much better after reading your blog than any of those inspirational-cherish every moment blogs. I’ll cherish the good ones…I’m good with pretending the rest of them never happened. 🙂

  2. This has so many typos that my eyes are bleeding. In my opinion, those 11.4 minutes of sleep are needed for the sake of your readers! 😉

    • Well, it has less typos and more grammar errors.

      • Clearly, I am not a grammarian. I will defer to your wisdom in this arena. However, as a person who digs kindness, I hope you’ll consider being more kind in the future. Also, if your eyes are bleeding, PLEASE seek medical assistance before commenting on my posts.

        • I wasn’t trying to be rude. I didn’t realize that would offend you, I think your posts are great.. I thought I was simply sharing a meaningless joke.

          You put a humorous spin on some serious stuff. What I said wasn’t meant as a “dig” by any means and if anyone took it as one, then I apologize… I have nothing but respect for mothers. I’m not one, but my best friend has three kids and is up to her eyeballs in motherhood. I try to help whenever I can, and I’ve gotten a taste of what she goes through as a stay at home mom. She’s up to her eyeballs in motherhood, and constantly feels like a horrible mom for not being a superwoman or supermom. I would never *seriously* talk bad about someone, and I’m not the kind of person that makes “digs” at someone. I was simply trying to make a joke that reflected the humor exhibited in this blog..

      • Just found you on Facebook, and you are awesome. Seriously. We are sisters and don’t know it. Rock on!

    • The smiley face wink after the dig is making my heart bleed.

  3. I have a butt cheek rut too. Go soul sister!!!!

  4. “Well it has FEWER typos, and more grammar errors.” You have fewer kids, but you have less freedom. Things you can separate individually are modified by fewer, not less. I hate to be a know it all, but I had to in this case…

    And, BPM, as for making lunches, I am NOT ALLOWED to bring lunches to my kids’ daycare/preschool because my children have no medically necessary dietary restrictions. Thank you Chicago DCFS. This is both wonderfully convenient and which-bureaucrat’s-ass-do-I-have-to-bust-a-cap-in maddening. You are never mediocre. I have seen how you talk to your kids on video.

  5. I forget share days and color days and school spirit dress up days. I don’t forget lunches, mostly because my four and six year olds pack their own. I am intentionally leaving in my grammatical and punctuation errors. Partially for fun, and partially because I don’t know any better.

  6. I will see your mediocrity and raise you an I FORGOT TO PICK MY KIDS UP FROM SCHOOL YESTERDAY. I also overslept on the second day of school, which seemed a little early to start that level of slacking, even for me (in my defense, WTF 6 am???). Thank God for my mom living next door and picking up my slack. The idea of being even worse at this by May terrifies me.

  7. This is great, it is raw and it is appreciated by this mom that goes through the same thing! You are too funny, I love the humor in the day to day stuff that you really just want to scream out loud and say, “Fuck It! I’m taking a Mommy’s Time Out with her Big glass of wine, and tell everyone that don’t ask for anything until the bottle is empy. Bravo.

  8. Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to read to know I’m not alone.

  9. Hilarious! And so timely. I felt like the only mom yesterday who forgot to bring my kid’s favorite book to the daycare for Kid’s Favorite Book Day (is that a thing now?) They took pictures and everything. At least I saw other kids’ pictures. I assume they took one of my own child with some random book. I wouldn’t know because I was busy dragging her out of there so I could get home. And oh yeah, there was another woman (mom of the year material!) taking a picture OF her kid’s picture with their book. Clearly I have more work to do!

  10. You are hilarious. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who slowly gives myself excuses for doing this with the half the effort I did them with the day before. Yay for under-achievers!

  11. What kind of Mom are you when you forget to sign your son up for pre school and now he is on the waiting list at several different ones in hopes that he will get in before starting school next year????? Yep That’s me! Already screwing up my kids education :/

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