Things at the Bad Parenting Moments Ranch have been in a state of fairly consistent change since my return from California. Having found and secured land a la Far and Away (sorry about that croquet flag in the front yard of your Beverly Hills Mansion, but, it is mine now. I planted the flag. That’s how it works. No take-backs.) I returned home to suburbia with Buffalo pelt and my mother. My mother is in an indefinite visit/stay where we have provided her with only the finest accommodations. How could you leave all this? *arms open, chin toward heavens, spins wildly*
And because everyone loves their ex-husband and his wife, my Dad and Step-Mom (not the evil kind) arrive tonight. Oh, and did I mention that my youngest sister is also here for a three week stay as well? The kitchen is stocked.
During all of this, my husband will turn 41. He would like a big, family dinner. The kind where people toast to each other’s health and then eat blue cheese encrusted steak. I’d like to give that to him, but, I have to save my dimes for my one call from prison and corresponding bail that will surely require payment after I attempt to zip line on the electrical lines on tandem telephone polls in front of my home during a particularly awkward silence and then, am charged with a federal offense for the brush fire I inevitably start after irreparably damaging said lines. Anything for family.
It’s not that everyone hates each other. Au contraire. Everyone likes each other just fine, but, family is complicated and no matter how long you’ve been divorced, I’m pretty sure you don’t truly want to eat steak with your ex-husband’s wife or your husband’s ex-wife. Unless you really love steak. Like, more than anything.
So, I will try to spin colorful yarns, attempt incredibly painful splits to close the distance between laughter and tears, keep glasses full and prepare food so delicious that awkward pauses in conversation are filled with bruschetta. I will let you know how well this week goes. Think the good thoughts and hope my mugshot turns out prison-sexy-chic. Tousled hair and pink cheeks and I hope they take American Express.