Family is forever and ever and ever and…

Things at the Bad Parenting Moments Ranch have been in a state of fairly consistent change since my return from California. Having found and secured land a la Far and Away (sorry about that croquet flag in the front yard of your Beverly Hills Mansion, but, it is mine now. I planted the flag. That’s how it works. No take-backs.) I returned home to suburbia with Buffalo pelt and my mother. My mother is in an indefinite visit/stay where we have provided her with only the finest accommodations. How could you leave all this? *arms open, chin toward heavens, spins wildly*

Sorry, I ate the mint on your pillow.

Sorry, I ate the mint on your pillow.

And because everyone loves their ex-husband and his wife, my Dad and Step-Mom (not the evil kind) arrive tonight. Oh, and did I mention that my youngest sister is also here for a three week stay as well? The kitchen is stocked.

There's no substitute for a good breakfast.

There’s no substitute for a good breakfast.

During all of this, my husband will turn 41. He would like a big, family dinner. The kind where people toast to each other’s health and then eat blue cheese encrusted steak. I’d like to give that to him, but, I have to save my dimes for my one call from prison and corresponding bail that will surely require payment after I attempt to zip line on the electrical lines on tandem telephone polls in front of my home during a particularly awkward silence and then, am charged with a federal offense for the brush fire I inevitably start after irreparably damaging said lines. Anything for family.

It’s not that everyone hates each other. Au contraire. Everyone likes each other just fine, but, family is complicated and no matter how long you’ve been divorced, I’m pretty sure you don’t truly want to eat steak with your ex-husband’s wife or your husband’s ex-wife. Unless you really love steak. Like, more than anything.

So, I will try to spin colorful yarns, attempt incredibly painful splits to close the distance between laughter and tears, keep glasses full and prepare food so delicious that awkward pauses in conversation are filled with bruschetta. I will let you know how well this week goes. Think the good thoughts and hope my mugshot turns out prison-sexy-chic. Tousled hair and pink cheeks and I hope they take American Express.


  1. I really, REALLY like a good steak. Can I come to dinner and listen in? I’ll bring (more) wine.

  2. Maybe not for steak, but definitely for lasagna. And garlic rolls. And then something chocolate. Mmmm…chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven, where the chips are melty and warm…

    And this is what pregnancy looks like.

    P.S. Good luck 😉

  3. Maura Donnelly says:

    Mmmmmm……bleu cheese encrusted steak…….

  4. Can you just install a bunch of cameras now so you don’t miss any details for your eventual book and subsequent movie deal? If not, I have a very, very good memory for this stuff and I can bring some appetizers…

    • *over dramatic voiceover* IN A WORLD…where beds were few and wine is readily available, ONE WOMAN learns about family, love, loss and alcohol poisoning.

    • Andrea Miller says:

      I totally agree with Allison! Install cameras!!!!!! You are a SAINT!!!!!!

  5. This is why, when family threatens to visit, I brick over the doors to the kids’ rooms and claim we all sleep in a hamster pile on the couch. Best of luck to you, blog wife – if you need to start a new family, there’s always room on the hamster pile for you. xoxo

    • I just laughed so spontaneously at the hamster pile that spit flew on to my iPad screen. Long story short, you owe me a new iPad. Only fair. P.S. Packing my shoes and purses. I sleep in the nude…with shoes on. Of course.

  6. Sounds kinda like family functions at our house… My side of the family are the drinking kind and my hubby’s side are the good baptist kind… Plus add in 2 step parents (both his parents have remarried) and a bitter unmarked sister in law with spoiled rotting spawn, and an animal hoarding aunt who is never invited but always shows up with at least 4 of her 20 dogs… Maybe I should write a book… And restock my hidden stash of wine…

    • If you don’t write a book, at the very least invite me over to your next family gathering. I want in. *gets popcorn*

  7. All this for a 41st bday? Did Tupac appear in hologram for his 40th?!

    • My husband would love to think all of this is for his birthday, but, his birthday happening with ALL of this is more of a coincidence. Shhhh, don’t tell!

  8. haven’t you heard, orange is the new black. prison just may be better than a family dinner.
    loved this.

  9. In prison, everyone eats free. Maybe too much wine will incite a family brawl, and you can all be in the big house for the big birthday. It may be more like Salisbury steak, but still.

    • It COULD be worse than Salisbury steak, but, not much worse. We actually had the big dinner last night. Everyone survived with a couple of bruised shins and a hangover.

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