Please say I have Pneumonia.

I am going to the doctor today. “Oh, how interesting. As soon as I finish yawning, I can’t wait to read more.” I know, it’s not necessarily the most rear on edge of seat topics. However, I only go to the doctor when I’m having a baby or potentially dying or being carried down stairs by my sisters-in-law after my legs insisted that the world was flat and then walked me off of a rounded curb.

I’m going today because I’m pretty sure I have some sort of respiratory infection that requires medicinal relief more potent than watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman on an endless loop. Love the prairie skirt, by the by.

I called. I made an appointment. I hope I have pneumonia.

If I have anything less than pneumonia, I will still have to make dinner and heave children into carseats and go buy toilet paper in my yoga pants that may or may not have a hole in the crotchular area.

If I have anything less than pneumonia, I will have to say no when my children ask to watch Scooby Doo for 36 hours and I will have to care if they happen to catch the last 20 minutes of Army Wives I put on while the baby naps. I don’t want to have to care. Help me, pneumonia.

When I get that call to work on the school handbook, I can cough and say, “Next week? Pneumonia.” and they will say, “Pneumonia, you poor thing. Can I bring you some chicken soup?” and I will say, “I love you. And you too, pneumonia.”

If I have pneumonia, the laundry will have to pile up because I can’t quite make it up the stairs with the wheezing and I can point dramatically to the stain stick when the children show me their newest blood, grass, cat feces and rocky road combo on their white shorts. “I’d love to help, but, pneumonia.”

I’m not saying I need a vacation, but, if I can get a doctor’s note, that would be swell.

“Give mom peace and quiet for 24 – 48 hours. Repeat, if necessary.”

*crosses fingers* Pneumonia!


  1. This is FANTASTIC. I knew exactly where this was going when I saw the title πŸ˜‰ There are many a weekend morning when I wake up and hope I am sick !

  2. Feeling really good right now about the fact that I’ve actually hoped to be running fever before. Once. Okay, twice. You know what…people who count aren’t popular.

  3. I have soooo waited until I was feeling deathly ill and then gone to the doctor hoping I’d let it get so far gone that I’d have to be admitted to the hospital with pnemonia which would mean uninterrupted tv watching, sleep w/o little ones waking me and not needing to make anyone any kind of a meal.
    It always ended up being a really bad cold.
    Fuck you cold. I want pnemonia.

  4. Jessica says:

    Can I get a sprained ankle with side of pnemonia? Just put it on my tab.

  5. I’m praying you have pneumonia. Mono has been a Godsend for me. I haven’t done shit in days.

    • Bethany says:

      Sadly, it’s only bronchitis. Thanks body. Thanks a LOT.

      • Heather says:

        Bronchitis can still be VERY bad. If you do not rest and follow the rules you can end up with chronic bronchitis & sound like a person who has been smoking 5 packs a day for 25 years… I would milk it

        • Bethany says:

          I do have a great phone-sex operator voice right now. I should capitalize on this before the inhalers start working.

  6. I only have the sniffles (school’s been out for a week and a half, but the last cold of the year finally made its way around to me), but I’d love to snuggle up on the couch with you under our piles of tissues. Any room next to your inhaler? I’ll bring the Depends (if you’re like me, you need them when you have a cough).

    P.S. I’d like the record to show that, before I even read this post, I had already used the phrases “endless loop” and “crotchular area” today, which further proves we were meant to be together. xoxo

    • Bethany says:

      You had me at crotchular. You know that no matter how big my inhaler is, there is always room for you in my arms next to my wheezy, fluid filled lungs.

  7. I am truly sorry that you do not have pneumonia. I tell my kids that I have ‘lady hysteria’ when I need a McDonald’s milkshake (McMedicine) and a long nap.

    • Bethany says:

      Lady Hysteria will be my new go-to thing. Like when they say, “Mom, why are you packing a bag?” and, “Mom, why were you in a corner burning our play-doh and barbie DVDs?” Lady Hysteria just covers so much ground. Thank you for this.

  8. I hope you feel better but not before you have been properly diagnosed and nursed back to health to the tune of mid-day naps and someone else folding the laundry! πŸ™‚

    • Bethany says:

      It was only bronchitis, pneumonia’s annoying cousin. SO, the sympathy card is all used up. The best part of this are the food receipts while in Dad’s care. 2 from Five Guys Burgers and 1 from Burger King. Awesome.

  9. Did you tell anyone you don’t actually have pneumonia? Because maybe you do. wink, wink

    • Bethany says:

      Why am I so dense. I totally could have said I had pneumonia and scarlett fever and invisible chicken pox and gout.

  10. Oh hilarious. I’d quite like a hospital stay please. But nothing to do with the crotchular area. Or holes.

  11. HEY!! I want Pneumonia!! Sorry you didn’t win the sick lottery this time. I sometimes think about breaking a leg to get out of everything. Maybe if I could just get admitted to the hospital, that’d work. My brain is right there with your brain. And like Robyn, I too need bladder protection when I cough and sneeze. When I was pregnant, it was not called a sneeze, it was called a peeze.
    Feel better mama! <3 Devan

  12. Way to find the silver lining. Also, a good post for practicing to spell words with a silent “P.”

  13. This is so hilarious and sadly so true. I hope you’re eating your yogurt :).

  14. I actually have been suffering from pneumonia for the last three weeks. I’ve never been so sick. I’m not *quite* sick enough to be in the hospital. So, life is expected to go on at home. Hubby goes to work, the 4yo is with me. Let’s just say we’ve been eating a lot of pizza for dinner, and the child has been watching a LOT of Netflix. Her brain will probably rot. But I can’t do the most basic of things b/c I can. not. breathe. And I have ZERO energy. None of my normal childcare resources are available. I am on my own. And, as my 4yo so kindly informed me, I am not fun right now.

    This was very funny. I laughed (until I had a coughing fit) and I understand where you are coming from. I’m not trying to be a killjoy. I like the post. I used to wish for serious illness so I could get a break. The reality is, you don’t. Life does not stop b/c you are sick. Even if you’re really sick. Moms don’t get sick days. So in all seriousness, please do NOT wish for pneumonia. It is hell.

    Also, I hope you feel better soon. πŸ™‚

    • Bethany says:

      I’m sorry you ACTUALLY HAVE pneumonia. I have bronchitis and inhalers and antibiotics and piles of laundry and wheezing, so, I get it. I do. I’m merely making light of the well documented practice that no matter how sick, mom is never sick enough to take a sick day *and not actually jesting at the actual having of pneumonia.*

      So, please get better and no more laughing for you, madame!

      • Hey, humor is paramount in life. You HAVE to laugh, no matter what. Unless you have pneumonia, b/c laughing will make you cough until you have to dial 911. πŸ˜‰ Maybe it’s the steroids I’m on. My hubby was concerned they would make me bitchy…

        I knew what the post was all about. And I totally get it. At one point I wanted them to put me in the hospital, b/c I thought there I might actually have a chance to get some rest. But then I remembered how the nurses come in to take your vitals every few hours around the clock, and how uncomfortable the beds are. Nah, I’ll take my own bed, please.

        I think when we can breathe again we are both due for a day at the spa. Or a girls’ night out. Whichever you prefer.

  15. I loved your post! You have a great sense of humor and I could totally relate to your thoughts. Sometimes we need to be sick just so that we can loosen the reins a little bit. I’ll be coming back to your blog to read more as I love your writing style.

  16. I don’t know why we have such sterile surroundings and honest doctors! One look and he/she could have easily just written up a recommendation for a month’s rest!

Speak Your Mind