The Greatest Story Ever Told

Shockingly, these outfits didn't provide adequate birth control.

Shockingly, these outfits didn’t provide adequate birth control.

During the second trimester of my final pregnancy, I began the pitch.

“This really feels like our last. I think you should go ahead and get a vasectomy. Because, you know, it’s easy, fast and because I’ve been vomiting for 5 months. Also, my legs are now the size of prehistoric mammoth cubs and because, DO IT.”

This was met with a less than lukewarm reception. To be fair, when my head spun around, it killed his reconciliatory spirit. He was not ready and, was not convinced I was certain we were finished ushering stage divers into the world from my great beyond.

As we inched closer to our daughter’s arrival, I became no less certain of my doneness. My pleas changed shape. I leaned in to my knowledge of my mate and went the James Brown route.

*Deep voice* “Hey baby. Yeah, you! You know, if you get the snippety-do-dah now, by the time my 6 week postpartum check-up rolls around, we’ll be able to rock and roll in a totally natural way. Uh-huh. You pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down? Hey, sexy, while you let that marinate, please pass me that tube of cocoa butter. That’s right, you can watch while I grease up my stretch marked hips. Shhhhhhh, just be pretty, baby.”

Alas, this did not inspire the wheels on the vasectomy bus to go ‘round and ‘round. It instead blew a tire just shy of Decisionville. Population, 2 testes.

After the birth, I knew. I knew it hard. And, again, my pitch changed shape into the much loved, “I’m not touching you!” technique. After that yielded no results, I began the full court press of nagging him until either he got a vasectomy or died from nagging related complications.

Finally, weary from my nails on his ear chalkboard, the appointment was made. On the day of his procedure, our baby was 14 months, 1 week and 6 days old, but, who’s counting?

The vasectomy patient is coddled like a newborn. There are talks and more talks and even more talks and then drugs. So many drugs. Two weeks before the vasectomy, the patient is given a prescription for an RX cocktail to take the edge off and make things generally hunky-dory pre-op. When he came home with his bag o’ pain killers, I cracked my back against the dishwasher where you could still see the shape of a baby’s foot on my lower spine. You shall have no sympathy from me, sir.

Finally, the day arrived. There was an air of excitement, mostly caused by my incessant high kicks executed with such force that I split atoms. As I drove my husband to the Vasectomies R’ Us clinic, his drugs hit. I looked over and noticed the birds circling his head.

“Hey honey, you ok?”

“This is why people become drug addicts.”

Indeed.

I had three of our children in the car so assisting him into the lobby was bordering on impossible. I pulled up next to the curb, opened his door and watched him stumble toward the office building. As soon as he touched the handle of the door, I floored it out of that parking lot. This was as close as I had ever been to the prize and I could not risk a) the drugs wearing off and b) him having a last minute change of heart. That sonofabitch would be cabbing it home if he backed out now.

Exactly 30 minutes later I returned. I unloaded the kids. We walked in to the office and found him leaning over the receptionist’s desk, slurring his words with the staff in hysterics. As we got closer, I heard:

“SEE! SEE! SEE! THIS IS WHY I JUST HAD THIS DONE! LOOK AT ALL OF THEM!”

Half the men in the waiting room went sheet white. Every woman in the waiting room laughed. I grabbed my Courtney Love impersonating husband and helped him to the car.

On the way home, he explained the surgery:

“I told the nurse that she was the first woman to see my junk since you.”

“How very proud she must have been.”

“I know, but, I told her to not take my current size into consideration since it was cold in the room and, I was on drugs.”

“Well, that makes sense.”

“I told the doctor that I think I have super sperm that will self reverse the vasectomy.”

“That sounds fun! What did he say?”

“He said that was highly unlikely, but, what does he know anyway? He’s not the one with magic sperm.”

“During the procedure the doctor asked me to drag one leg when I went back into the waiting room to freak the other guys out!”

Hey Honey, what’s that?”

“Oh, it’s a prescription for a month’s supply of Vicodin.”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

“I said I get a month’s supply of Vicodin.”

“You get a month’s worth of pain killers for this?”

“Well, the penis and balls are very important.”

That’s what she said?

After returning home and sleeping it off, he decided he could bring himself to play video games, but, only the ones that required minimal physical investment.

“Honey, look, I found a game where I only have to slightly move my wrist from left to right. This is perfect.”

“Sounds great. Can you please call my doctor because I believe my eyes are lodged in my brain stem. Also, can I have one of your Vicodin?

This could be where it ends, but, no. Not even close because, you have to provide samples to make sure the sperm have been stripped of their super powers. The laboratory that processes the sample is 20 minutes away. Samples have to be no more than 30 minutes old. No problem! I’m sure the laboratory has a room made for this, right? Right? Wrong. Logistics made it very clear that this was going to be awkward.

His first sample day arrived.

Armed with an instruction sheet, a paper bag and a plastic cup, he made the trip. After a consultation with me, a nurse and possibly, a life coach, he decided he had only one option. A public restroom. The problem with public restrooms is that they are so often filled with the public and, contrary to the numerous arrests resulting from the use of these love dens, they are not romantic spaces. Especially when you have a doctor’s note and people are wandering in and out to use the facilities and you have no other choice but to be that guy in a public restroom. My husband is that guy, but, he was that guy for me and, that is actually kind of romantic in a totally back-alley, hooker finds love and makes good kind of way.

He has to repeat this whole ordeal in 2 weeks. And now, honey, you finally have my full sympathy.

In closing, may I just say, VIVA LA VASECTOMY!

(Editor’s note: No husbands were harmed during the writing of this post. Husband in question gave his two-balled blessing. Amen.)





Comments

  1. Jessica says:

    OMG, I was laughing so hard I was crying. I drove my husband home from his vasectomy and he was starving so we stopped at Chic-fil-A and got him a sandwich. As the woman handed us our bag she asked if we needed any condiments like ketchup. In the middle of her asking my husband leans over me and screams “I don’t need any freaking condoms!! I just got fixed!” I almost died laughing and the girl’s face turned red and she smiled. I apologized through the tears and drove away. You gotta love our drug afflicted husbands. Then we got home and I was emoting the car as he went in the house. When I walked in the front door I saw a shirt on the floor, pants on the stairs, socks in the living room and my husband butt naked laying on the sofa with his leg thrown over the back of it. He looked at me and said “bring me ice woman.”

  2. Car drugs? I could have used a little something to take the edge off on my way to the hospital to push a person out of my vageen. The medical community sure does care about balls.

    You are a lucky girl with your fella shooting blanks. And what a trooper with his public restroom private time.

    • Bethany says:

      I know. Don’t even get me started on the car drugs. I need drugs just to get me to the procedure where they will give me more drugs and then drugs for a month to recover. We were born with the wrong equipment.

  3. I’m so happy you told this story. So, so awesome. I just sent it to my husband because I know how much he’ll cringe and enjoy it at the same time.
    LOVE!

    • Bethany says:

      It really is cringe worthy, but, honestly, ALL husbands should do this. I mean, at least for the drugs.

  4. A months worth of pain killers? Sheesh. Tell me again why they call us women the weaker sex?

  5. As if I needed more evidence that the four of us will be irl besties one day, he sealed it with “she was the first woman to see my junk since you.” I heart you guys so hard. Now can you have the talk with MY husband???

    • Bethany says:

      I’m convinced we already are IRL besties which is why I have that tattoo of that dream about the four of us in Cabo on my calf. It’s so life like!

  6. Wish I had had that many drugs after I pushed TWO BIG BABIES out of my vagina. Seriously.
    Hubs still isn’t on board for the big V here even though he knows he doesn’t want any more. I will have to try your tactics.
    Thanks for the laugh tonight!

    • Bethany says:

      I know. The stark difference between childbirth post-op and vasectomy post-op is sheer comedy or terror or terredy. Oh, and please try all the tactics and report back promptly. *pops popcorn and places chin in cupped hands* Thanks for reading!

  7. My husband got no painkillers… Before or after! Lidocaine, Novacaine,, etc. don’t work on him but the doc refused to believe he wasn’t numb until he went into shock! Then an antibiotic-resistant infection… Can you say “grapefruit”? 3+ months of torture! Three drug free births, I got the adrenaline and other hormones, I got off easy!

    • Bethany says:

      Oh NO. This is a sad vasectomy story. YIKES! I am shuddering thinking about the whole thing.

    • Julie,
      I got NOTHING before mine and it wasn’t over in a few minutes. I got 3 (count them) Vicodin and was back to work on Monday. Not fun.

    • My experience (a father of triplets), after my children were a year old I had a vasectomy. I also had an awesome infection the size of an avocado. It required a 5 day 4 night vacation at the local hospital and 2 legitimate surgerys in the same week to correct. Also it took 2 months to compleatly heal up.
      -Dan

  8. That is too funny…… My hubby on the other hand didn’t any meds to go into the Doctors office.
    He did get all the meds when he left the office but none to go in…….. Oh yes I feel the pain of
    child birth 3 times and I had NO MEDS NOTHING all natural…….. Which I dont recommend!!!!!

    • Bethany says:

      I had two of mine drug free and that is exactly why I had no sympathy. I so get you, sister. Fist bump.

  9. I’m sitting in my 4yo’s room “for just one more minute” while she fake-tries to sleep, and I’m making bizarro noise from trying to stifle my snort-laughs. Good GOD woman, this is awesome.

    I can’t believe all the meds he got. Pre-op meds?! WTF? Men are such wussies.

  10. Yay!! I’ve been waiting for this story. Dang it, it does not disappoint!!!

    • Bethany says:

      Awww, shucks. It only took 3 more months of incessant nagging to get him to cave. I’m really very skilled at nagging people into submission. It’s a life skill.

  11. Oh, stop. Please stop! I couldn’t get through so much of this because of the tears of laughter blurring my vision. How do I love this? Let me count the ways:

    That’s right, you can watch while I grease up my stretch marked hips. Shhhhhhh, just be pretty, baby.”

    When he came home with his bag o’ pain killers, I cracked my back against the dishwasher where you could still see the shape of a baby’s foot on my lower spine. You shall have no sympathy from me, sir.

    “I told the doctor that I think I have super sperm that will self reverse the vasectomy.”
    “That sounds fun! What did he say?”
    “He said that was highly unlikely, but, what does he know anyway? He’s not the one with magic sperm.”

    That there is my Top 3. If I don’t stop now, I’ll just paste the entire story into this comments box. I waited for this story since your last post and, woman, it was worth the effing wait. THANK YOU and your husband’s balls for this Sunday night entertainment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Bethany says:

      I just love you. When my hat doesn’t fit tomorrow because of my giant, inflated ego, I’ll just blame you.

  12. Hahaha!!!
    I wasn’t “allowed” to write about my husbands experience, but I’m thankful you were!!! Hysterical.

  13. OMFG THE HIGH KICKS. I’m making Steve read this now. If the drugs don’t sell him, the…well I’ll just have to go back to nagging.

  14. OMG, A. this is hysterical. and B. I think you need an infographic of the differences between drugs for the big V and drugs for pushing a baby outta you.

    • Bethany says:

      Oh girl, on the actual day I wrote a well thought out (ranty) status update on Facebook about just this. I’d picket modern medicine for change, but, my back still hurts too much from labor to hold up a sign.

  15. Bravo to your hubs for getting it done! My Husband went in for The Snip before 4th of July in 2010. He got a 2-week vicodin script and a 3-day weekend. He waddled for weeks, hunched over like he had a stick up his butt, constantly saying how “sore” he was. We live near DC and one of his clients was in Dupont Circle (predominantly gay neighborhood). His first day back at work, he went to that client and as he waddled up and down the street, people were staring at him, so he just kept saying “I had a GREAT weekend!”. 😉

    • Bethany says:

      He did the “I’m sore! My balls hurt!” thing for about a week and then realized that he couldn’t have sex until he felt better and then, he was miraculously healed.

  16. Hey thought I would give you a funny story on this when hubby had his done and when he was back in the recovery room he looked down under the sheets (dunno if he thought they had chopped the whole thing off) but all of a sudden he broke out into uncontrollable laughter and pulled the blanket down… the doc had a great sense of humor and had tied a blue ribbon with a bow around it :o))

  17. Hysterical. I am not sure that Mr. Grouch will ever agree to this, but I am taking copious notes as I prepare my pitch.

    • Bethany says:

      I think another good way is just to leave your computer open with a google search up that says: DIY home vasectomy.

      That ought to do it.

      • this does not work. I’ve told hubster that he can either go get the surgery from a licensed medical doc, OR the next time I have to help with getting a stallion gelded, I’ll bring home the equipment and some bale wire and he can loose much more than just a teeny bit of tubing. lol.

  18. Absolutely hysterical! laughed through whole thing, not sure what was the best – him bombed at the checkout counter or the followup procedure in the very public bathroom – cause nothing says lovin like a urinal. My hubs had it done 6 years ago and still hasn’t gone back for the recheck. He said everyone at the counter will know he just jacked off and can’t bear it. I wanted to say, well everyone in the delivery room were up close and personal with my lovelies but I managed. Men are unreal.

    • Bethany says:

      He still hasn’t gone back! All that and no confirmation of the dead swimmers? He better go, his sperm MAY be magical because, according to my husband, that’s a thing. Thanks for reading and for the story. I loved it!

  19. Hysterical!! Holy crap. Also, not to be a Debbie Downer, but I believe George Michael was arrested for doing that in a public restroom back in the 90’s. I think they called it, “A lewd and lascivious act.” Good job on not getting arrested.

    • Bethany says:

      I wonder if he could have shown the officer his note: “You see officer, I have medical clearance to behave in a sleazy way in this here restroom.” And, in my mind the officer would say, “Tell it to the judge!”

  20. So…I got my tubes tied with my 4th c-section and was given Advil and forced to get up and start moving hours after giving birth and came home to take care of the other 3. He got a weeks supply of Vicodin and was allowed to play video games? WTF??? Enough with this New England nonsense…move yer butt to NJ so I can get more of these stories on a regular basis.

    • Bethany says:

      I’m on my way! You know I’m an honorary Jersey girl at heart. Plus, I’m dying to hear you sing again.

  21. This was awesome!!

    With my 1st pregnancy I threw up the entire 9 months and was on bedrest for preterm labor. With the 2nd surprise pregnancy (IUD failed!) I threw up the entire time too. I got put on bedrest at 28 weeks and my mother in law moved in with us to help out… for the remainder of the pregnancy. I was 30 weeks when I called and made the appointment for him to get snipped. I think he knew better than to argue with me so he just went and did it like a good boy.

    • Bethany says:

      Oh, he had to go. He was not going to look his vomiting, confined to bed wife in the eye and say, “You know, I just don’t feel up to it.” because that’s how people end up on Snapped. Thanks for reading and bravo on the big V. Chest bump!

  22. Desiree says:

    Hysterical laughing in the library!! Dont care!! This is actually great..The month long vicodin prescription will probably make my husband OK with getting a vacectomy!! YAY!!!! Thank you! Thank you ! Thank you!

    • Bethany says:

      I think pushing the drugs is the way to go. SO happy you broke the vow of silence in the library for little ol’ me. Thanks for reading!

  23. Baa ha ha! A funny account.. I just had the snip myself a week or so ago. I blogged my take. This made me think that I’m glad I have it all done now.

  24. This is so funny. You and your readers should really enjoy my upcoming blog post on the hilarity of my wife’s recent pap smear.

  25. Charmel Cross says:

    My husband had his vasectomy when I was pregnant at 43 with our 4th child who was an oopsy baby. He got the same drugs as your husband (a 30 day supply -really) and was nice enough to save them for me to use after my c-section since we both knew I would be sent home with a 2 day supply of pain meds. Loved your story! My husband was smart enough not to complain!

    • Bethany says:

      Your husband is a wise and noble man. He wins the Bad Parenting Moments 2013 “Way to not be a douche award”! It’s very prestigious.

  26. Jessica says:

    I also now feel the need to share that my husband did not follow dr’s orders and went out to coach our son’s baseball team. When he came home that night he laid in bed and told me he felt swollen. When he asked me to look I screamed and said “omg all you have left is a turtle head! You have a set of cantaloupes that are eating my friend!” It was a running joke for days of whether or not the turtle was going to ever make an appearance again!! I was seriously worried. He did not find me funny at all.

    • Bethany says:

      “You have a set of cantaloupes that are eating my friend.” That should be the title of all vasectomy pamphlets.

    • Seriously, the cantaloupes are eating my friend nearly made me die. You all are cracking me up.

    • Delores says:

      I woke up my husband crying with laughter when I read this. Him – what’s up? Me – nothing just reading an article on forcing your husband to have a vasectomy, go to bed.

  27. Oh my Lord this is funny. When my brother in law got his vasectomy he said OF COURSE the intern who did it was super hot.

    • Bethany says:

      Of course she was and she was also dressed like a Fembot from Austin Powers and she thought he was really cute too with his nuts all up in the air. Romance.

  28. This is one of my favs of yours! I want to share it with my peeps. HILARIOUS

  29. Please pass me that tube of cocoa butter? Laid me out and I totally heard porn music while I was reading that part!

    • Bethany says:

      Hey girl. Thanks for reading this comment in the same voice. You’re a super fine lady and I dig you. I dig you good.

  30. I’m trying to decide if I should share this with my husband as a “Yeah go do it!” or a “See, honey, it won’t be THAT bad” kind of motivation. 🙂 Either way, I like your nails on an ear chalkboard approach. Hilarious!

    • Bethany says:

      I think there is no way a man on the fence could read MOST of this and be persuaded against vasectomy. Just cut out the public restroom portion and make it sound like a fraternity party and you’re good to go. Permanent birth control has never been so fun! Reporter: “You just had a bunch of babies. What are you going to do now?” Man: “I’m going to have a VASECTOMY!”

  31. When my husband came out of the Vasectomy he was supported by two nurses and slurred that they couldn’t keep their hands off his magic wand. He sat on a bag of frozen peas for a week and all he could do was play World of Warcraft. His conversations went like “Do you know what I’m sitting on? Do you know what happened to my balls? I’m doing this because I love my wife you now! Every guy should do this! Honey, can you hand me your favorite coffee mug? I need to take a piss and can’t get up”

    I will not complain about being shoved out of bed just 10 hours after I recreated the set of Saw in the delivery room and had a vageen that went from the tip of my chin all the way back to between my shoulderblades. I will not complain about all those a**holes that claimed giving birth is such ‘a natural thing, women in Africa give birth behind a bush and get back to work straight away’.

    Because our neighbor chickened out at the last moment, two months later his wife grunted ‘it’s too late. I’m pregnant. I’m gonna hack of his nuts and glory’.

    I relived the fun because of your best story ever. I wish you filmed it.

    • Bethany says:

      Your comment is the best thing that has happened to me since my husband got his vasectomy. Thank you. Also, may I kiss you on the mouth. *cue Sex Machine*

  32. You are hilarious! I pinned this story on my Internet’s Funniest Board! I was laughing so hard! – Darcy

  33. OMG I laughed so hard reading this!
    My husband wants a vasectomy (he has two sons from a previous marriage and our one son) I really want another one, so I said DON’T YOU DARE!!! Perhaps I should show him this… although it might encourage him, this all star treatment!!!

    • Bethany says:

      Just show him the part about having to get busy with himself in a public restroom. That should slow the process down!

  34. I’m making my husband read this. Maybe the buttload of drugs will convince him!

  35. I had no idea there was such a thing as PRE-OP drugs. Seriously? Perhaps this might sway my husband, who runs to another room when I even bring up the subject. Then he had to go and hear our neighbor’s story. This guy’s procedure didn’t take. And he had to go back in. And his balls hurt for like 3 weeks. It was enough to scare my husband away for life. Loved this post!

  36. I LOVE this!! I made a deal with my husband, that if we have a 3rd I will get fixed, if not it’s up to him to get snipped. Let’s just say he has not agreed to the 3rd baby and evades the discussion of the snip snip. Maybe I will badger him into compliance or bribe him with the promise of a month supply of hillbilly heroine……

  37. I love the dr’s office dialogue! Hilarious.

  38. Beth Anderson says:

    Too funny!! I have to say I’m fairly impressed with my Hubs: We found out the irresponsible way that his 1st didn’t work – Now have a DD in addition to 3 DS’s- We made sure to do the follow up check on time after the 2nd procedure… 4 is definitely enough for us, lol.

  39. And now I adore him even more. VIVA LA VASECTOMY!

  40. That was frickin’ hilarious! Snort out loud, holy crap you’re awesome hilarious!

    Seriously, a pre-op cocktail of drugs? I got cut open and two babies yanked from my abdomen AT THE SAME TIME and all I got was no breakfast or water for 12 hours prior to my surgery. Men.

    I am pushing for my husband to do this. Pushing, pushing and pushing because I have twin boys and listen, we’re done, no more babies. Ever. Yet he refuses. And lord knows I’m not getting fixed as I had to carry around twins for nine months and then get cut open to remove them. My darling, if I can walk around with ankles so swollen they resemble a normal woman’s thighs, heartburn that makes regular people’s heartburn look like a mild burp, and babies bouncing on my innards then you can sit on a bag of peas for a week.

    Fingers crossed he comes around. Or he ain’t “coming around” here anymore.

  41. Your friend, Dawn says:

    I am not sure if the fact that our husbands are friends IRL is going to help or hurt when we have *the* conversation.

  42. Melanie says:

    After giving birth to 3 kids in 3 years and 3 months, I told my hubby that HE was getting snipped cuz I’d done my part of stretching, cutting, and everybody looking at my nether regions. He agreed (plus it was cheaper). My hubby got snipped on the same day as my 6 week check-up for our daughter, child #3. He was given NO pre-op drugs (just shots of novicaine in the sac) and no prescription post-op. The doctor gave him Advil in the office and an ice pack and sent him home. He said he was tender but no biggie and was out riding his Ninja motorcycle THE NEXT DAY!! That was the first surgery my husband had ever had…..never even had stitches as a kid.

  43. Crystal says:

    Good Lord. I shouldn’t have read this at work. Damn near got fired laughing!

  44. kwajmamasita says:

    Hilarious. But, let it be known that there are men out there for whom this procedure does come undone. Just when a friend thought she was done at 42 (with 12 year old twins and a 6 year old), bam, she found out she was pregnant despite her husband having been snipped. Sorry to be a DD, and it’s certainly something of a rare case, but your husband is right. Super sperm does exist!!

  45. In 1973 I was expecting our third child in four years…the hunk went for a vasectomy. Back then insurance wouldn’t pay unless he was in the hospital overnight. So off he went. Came home the next day. Had some minor swelling…went back to work two days later.

    In 1978 I discovered I was 5 months pregnant with a surprise caboose. In the interval since the vasectomy and fourth pregnancy we had moved 1800 miles–different state, different doctors. The hunk went down to the local vasectomy ‘n’ a box clinic. When the doc showed up, the hunk instructed him to ‘do it right’ this time. The doc wasn’t impressed and demanded a sample post haste. The hunk provided a sample and doc commented it would be a good thing if he’d been monogamous as he had enough swimmers to populate a small village…

    Afterwards when he bellyached about the shaved hairs growing out, the jock strap elastic band rolling up, the ice packs, the gauze packing, the stitches…I mentioned he’d only dealt with it twice to my four times out…

  46. Stephen says:

    I had to laugh about this. As an older parent, I hit that age when the prostate enlarged. I had to walk around after the op. with a bag as peeing was just too smarting for a week. It was made clear that we did not want anymore kids. Was given Viagra and Cialis after follow up.” Let the fun begin” said the wife. I had to take two Viagra at first. Help me, I am exhausted by the wife.

  47. LOVE this! After my 3rd HG pregnancy I decided I was done! I tried to talk about the big V with him once and he was all “but I think I want more babies” um yeah FUCK that. I made an appointment and got my tubes tied right after I had my daughter. I told DH “I am done having babies. And since you getting snipped won’t help all of the other random men I am banging I made an appointment and I am getting my tubes tied.”

    Then I milked it and stayed in bed for 2 days. BTW I didn’t get anything but Ibprofen (WTF). Oh and for the ladies considering this option it really didn’t hurt at all I had 2 tiny stitches and a small bruise around my belly button.

    I don’t have the patience to nag 🙂

  48. This is the funniest thing I have read in ages. I just want you to know that I plan on reading it aloud to my husband — with the entire delivery room staff as witnesses — as I birth my third and final child sometime in the next seven days. Now I don’t need a music playlist for my delivery — I have this. How can I ever repay you?

  49. Charlene says:

    o.m.g. I died laughing, so I’m typing this from beyond. I had to be the one to go get spayed, as my dh was persuaded to have an elective hernia repair when our oldest was 10 days old, delivered via cesarean. To be fair, the surgeon was sure he would be up and around after a couple of days. On day 3 he spiked a fever, and asked me to check his nether regions, and his testes had morphed into one giant one that took up a fairly large portion of bed real estate. On night 4, he informed me his fever was 103 and he needed to go the ER. I made him take a cab. We are both surprised we weren’t an episode of “Snapped”. Between his testicular swelling and pneumonia, and my horrible ppd, plus being post op and no holy idea of what to do with a newborn it’s a miracle.

    I glittery heart your writing though.

  50. A month’s supply of Vicodin for a vasectomy? What a freakin’ wuss. That’s more drugs than I got for my C-section. My husband had it done on a Friday and spent the weekend (which was Father’s Day weekend – Happy Day to you, honey!) on the couch with a pack of ice on his lap and returned to work Monday.

  51. Hysterical! My hubby did not get these drugs. In fact, he drove himself to and from the appointment – I wasn’t even in town! Everyone told him over and over again – just keep the ice on and you’ll be fine. And he did, and he was. Awesome story!

  52. Sarah W says:

    So not fair. Ive had 6 kids, one was breach, 6 miscarriages and had my tubes tied. You know what they give you for those? Ibuproferin. So not fair.
    My hubby did not get fixed he did however have a whole testical removed for cancer. He didnt get that many meds, not by a long shot. No funny drug related stories either . . . oh well.

  53. It IS the greatest story! You never let me down. Ellen

  54. Georgia says:

    3 days post-vasectomy of my hubby acting like Superman with zero pain whatsoever, I discovered he had not been taking his antibiotics. I asked him, “Why have you not been taking your antibiotics.” “I HAVE been taking them”, he said. “No, you haven’t.” “Yes, I have…3 times a day.” So, I dumped out his bottle of antibiotics and asked, “Well, then why are there still 19 out of 20 pills?” He said, “Wait. THOSE are my antibiotics? I’ve been taking the other ones.” My husband mixed up his two Rx bottles – one Vicodin, one antibiotics. No wonder he felt invincible. He had been taking vicodin every 8 hours for 3 days. The downside? A day later, he was admitted to the hospital in severe pain with MRSA of the scrotum! We’re talking from zero to cantaloupe in one hour! For those that don’t know, MRSA is an antibiotic resistant bacterial infection, also known as staph. He had emergency “drainage” surgery 4 days in, double IV antibiotics, and his…well, I’ll stop there. I am happy to report he healed perfectly well with no side effects. However, all my friends told me NOT to tell their husbands the story!

  55. This was so funny! My husband was always game for getting one, when we decided we were done with the baby years, which I realize how lucky I am now. I think he only got about 2 weeks worth of vicoden, but only used one pill. But still, what woman gets to lay around, and be advised to do absolutely nothing for 3 days after childbirth! (Silence among the group I am assuming!) I took myself and kids to the beach with a friend and her kids to her wonderful beach house 12 hours away. While he got to lay around and do nothing for a few days by himself, I did get to go to the beach, but it was 2 moms and 4 girls, which was a lot of work. But he likes to tell everyone, we got to go to the beach while he had to have his privates invaded. Pa-LEASE, us women have been “invaded” by so many doctors and nurses over the course of our womanly lives! Thanks for sharing, this made my day!

  56. This is hilarious! Poor, poor men….cry me a river! LOL, my hubby has had his junk snipped for well over a year now – I LOVE IT!!! YAY for the big V!! I love this post so much! <3 Devan

  57. I feel cheated. When I got my snip snip done I got none of that! I had to shave my own junk, only got local anesthesia via a needle down there and a prescription for antibiotics. Pain killers? My doctor told me to get a bag of frozen peas to keep the swelling down! (They went into the garbage and NOT onto our plates when I was done with them!)

    Funniest part was when they were done and the doctor says “pull up your pants and meet me in the office so I can write your presciption”. I turn to the two nurses (who, of course had to be beautiful) and say “I always thought it would end a little different when I had my pants down in a room with two women!” which caused them to burst out laughing.

  58. Randy K says:

    My wife sent me this email:
    “I laughed out loud. And you got screwed when you had your “procedure” done. This guy got a month’s worth of pain killers.” with a link here.

    Our deal was that if she had c-section she would get tied, if not I would get snipped. I felt it was a more then fair deal. About a month after our daughter was born we made the appointment for a week later.

    As my wife alluded too I didn’t get nearly that many drugs, I was given 1 valium and maybe 3-5 days of vicodin. I don’t really like taking drugs, so I debated taking the valium, but in retrospect I’m glad I did. Most of the procedure was fine, but as the Doc cauterized the tubes I could smell it… with the valium I was cool with it, but even thinking about it now I KNOW I wouldn’t have been at all cool with it. It freaks me out a bit even now.

    Of course about 6 months later my wife every now and again says we should have it reversed…

  59. Yeah. I’ve tried to talk my husband (and his super sperm) into the big V. His response was “What if we want to have kids in 10 years?” I’m like “Yeah, so clearly you’re planning to procreate with someone else because there is NO WAY in hell this body will be doing anything of the sort in my late 40’s.” Jackass.

  60. I had no painkillers, I had several complications but seriously, 30 minutes old sample? Rubbish. They are testing for their presence, they aren’t worried if they are alive or dead, In fact the procedure kills them. I did my sample first thing in the morning, handed it in an hour later and it probably wasn’t tested until later that day,

  61. you guys are wusses, 3 kids and complaining. My grandma had 14 kids. She had her first at 14. 2 died. One stillbirth and one in fever in the 50’s. Her cousin my great aunt had 20 kids in 24 years. She actually had her last kid when she was 55 – total surprise. But she and her husband raised them, they both lived upto their 90’s. And no day care or anything.

  62. (Editor’s note: No husbands were harmed during the writing of this post. Husband in question gave his two-balled blessing. Amen.) –

    Laughing out loud!!!

  63. Geez, all I got was one Ativan and some Tylenol with Codeine, which made me nauseous and sleepy. The only problem I had was when the dr. made the first snip, the numbing med hadn’t quite kicked in yet. I found out I could tear the paper on the exam table with my ass cheeks. Not a useful talent, but a unique one, to be sure.

  64. Loving this! My husband just had the procedure this last spring, and we had the EXACT same pamphlet given to us…with one exception, my husband drew on the pamphlet….the woman holding a gun up to the man. He then proceeded to text it to all of his friends to let them know how horrible it was going to be. I think on the form under reason for procedure he might have even referenced his wife.

  65. I am dying. Thank you for this! I don’t have to have the “talk” with my husband, as I got myself fixed during my 3rd c-section (4th child!) But seriously, I didn’t get a month of painkillers after having my poor stomach cut open, all abdominal muscles severed, and a friggin’ tubal! LOL

  66. I’m pregnant with number five and still can’t convince my husband to get fixed. (Is that a proper term?) My dad told him horror stories from his own snipperoo and he’s terrified now.

  67. Ha! We just went through this in our house last week and I too was in disbelief over the amount of painkillers hubby came home with. And how much unintterupted sleep he got (like two days worth) because the Motrin “made him drowsy”. Which is funny, because I take Motrin every month and I’m still a fully functioning human who doesn’t get indulged with meals in bed and American Pickers marathons. This was spot on! Viva la vasectomy!

  68. Poor guy. At least he didn’t have to drive himself to and from.

  69. Omg! I must he the worst wife ever. I was at the shore (a 2 hour drive away) at my parents house for the summer with our 4 kids 6 years – 4 months of age. I had plans to meet another mom friend when my husband called to remind me today is the day, V day!! I dropped everything of course and MET him at home!! In my defense he acted the tough guy while I followed him around telling him he shouldnt do that or this, why dont you just sit down an ice your balls?
    He says why you being so nice? I told him I’m only treating him the way he SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME!! 3 pregnancies and 1 was twins!!

  70. Bethany Bauer says:

    I will send this to my husband. After April 4th. No way am I giving him a chance to change his mind. Our fifth will be born in July and I want that shit EMPTY before we start “marital relations” back up…in November or so.
    He has a freakin’ Valium for his pre-op comfort. You know what I get for pre-op comfort before having a gaping hole cut in my gut and a watermelon yanked out? “No food or drink after 8pm.” Seriously? Do they not know I will starve to death in 12 hours of fasting?

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