Video killed the radio star


 
Despite having a face made for radio, it was a huge surprise when the host of a local radio show asked if I was interested in coming to the station to promote the book signing event happening this Saturday in my current (and favorite) “home”town of Brattleboro, Vermont.

 

The greatest AM talk-show none of you have ever heard of.

The greatest AM talk-show none of you have ever heard of.

By the by, I hope you’re making your extensive travel arrangements to join us at the event. I’m glad we had this talk.
 

 

You're going to be there. Look into my eyes. I will sign your boobs.

You’re going to be there. Look into my eyes. I will sign your boobs.

            
 
I don’t get many opportunities as a mom to wear headphones, ignore ambient noise and have people actually listen to the words coming out of my mouth, so, I said YES or screamed it into the host’s face. Details.
 
 
It dawned on me shortly thereafter that being on the radio and being interesting on the radio are two totally different berries. Although they look exactly the same, one of the berries is poisonous and will immediately bore you to a near-death sleep that can only be conquered by true love’s kiss OR more alluring radio . In the shower, I tried on my best perfectly quaffed hair, newscaster voice and decided that there can only be one Peter Jennings and I was not he.
 
 I sat in the green room and prayed that the ease of the clickety-clack of the keyboard translated into disarming and interesting conversation on air. I was not convinced I had the power of Greyskull or the sword to point into the lightening filled sky, but, I did have a coffee cup the size of my head. Close enough.
Coffee as big as my computer? Check.  Starting blog post about radio piece before radio piece even happens? Back to the Future Checkity-CHECK!

Coffee as big as my computer? Check. Starting blog post about radio piece before radio piece even happens? Back to the Future Checkity-CHECK!

 
 Despite my prom night nerves, once the light was on and my requested intro. music of Welcome to the Jungle blared through the room , I realized that AM radio just may be my second favorite medium to the page. No one can see me, I can’t see them AND, the likelihood of more than a lost trucker searching for information about local highway closures listening in was slim. This is perfect for us tortured writer types. All of the pontificating, the hopeful fame in our minds and none of the actual audience.
 
Luckily, the host was funny, kind, witty and easy to talk to. He veered us away from delving into a world of horrifying birthing stories and our escapades while surfing the web for photos of Jon Hamm’s penis. Thank you, Chris.
 
We didn’t even say vagina once on air. It’s a modern-day miracle. Move over printing press and penicillin, there’s a new appropriate mouthed Sheriff in town.
 
I shared the airwaves with one of the owners of the host store, Whippersnappers, and, with two of my co-authors,  Brenna of Suburban Snapshots and Kim of Let Me Start By Saying. These are women and fellow writers I could listen to forever. I mean this in the creepiest way possible. *kisses framed photos of them and then applies red lipstick liberally to eyebrows*
 
I have several favorite moments. When Kim referred to a post about her ass. When Brenna, being oh so debonaire, said, “lady bits”. And, the very last few minutes of the broadcast when I offered to give away a copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone to the first caller and then no one called in. Because, nothing says I’m an internet and radio sensation like no one wanting the free shit you’re giving away.
 
So, until the next time no one is listening, this is Bad Parenting Moments, over and out.




Comments

  1. “The Power of Greyskull” made me love you even more.
    Thank you for inviting me to your radio shindig! It was fun. I need my own radio show. With you. And Brenna. Chris is invited to join us, anytime.

  2. I am jealous of the following: being on the radio. Being on the radio with Kim and Brenna. Them getting to be on the radio with you. Gigantic coffee barrels. Your ability to expertly apply eyebrow lipstick. Headphones in a room with no children.

    I could go on.

    I big heart you, and can’t WAIT to hear the show! PS I’d better get to hear the show. If it was only on live, locally, I’m going to need a ride in your laptop time machine. And yes, I realized that was going to sound dirty before I typed it.

  3. Awesome post, super funny. I’ve read your book and LOVED it,

  4. I’m sure no one called in because they assumed EVERYONE would be calling in and the lines would be jammed. Right?

    Love you ladies. Wish I could have heard your funny here in the Boston area!!!

  5. Sounds like they’ve got phone problems up north. Or no one could hear the broadcast over their hollering kids. I could really go for some of those headphones right now.

  6. I would be so scared to do this, it takes me at least 48 hours to come up with something half as witty as the things you say and that’s just when I’m typing. I believe I would say “um” an infinite number of times.

  7. If you think about it.. It wasn’t you that nobody was listening to, it was the radio station. You just happened to be on it. And I guarantee if any sensible person knew you were going to be on the radio on that day at that time, they would have tuned in. And for what it’s worth.. I totally would have snagged a free copy!

  8. When I am not at your book signing tomorrow, I hope you’ll know it’s because my kid is in the Brattleboro School of Dance spring recital and it’s my job to go there instead. I would have loved to come to your book signing, of course. I hope you have a great turnout, but if you don’t, I am sure it’s it’s just because of that dance show at NEYT. If you want, you can assume that all the other moms are there, because there sure are a lot of kids in the show, and they all have moms who had to sign up to help backstage. But I hope some of them sneak out to get their boobs signed anyway.

  9. Your friend Dawn says:

    Or maybe because we were all listening to the wrong station. You were awesome of course.

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