There is nothing wrong. A baby just came out of your vagina.

After the birth of my first daughter, my life was flipped on its side and then hit by a semi-truck. While a gracious stranger, Fate, was helping my Life back to its feet, one of those creepy steak selling trucks came by and took us both out. The name of the truck was Chance. So, Life, Fate and Chance all exchanged insurance information and filed separate claims in the court of my loins. Seven years and change later, we are all still in mediation. Back off Chance, no, you can not pay me in Omaha Steak certificates. Fuck you.

While I was learning how to be a mother and make the shift from me, myself and I to her, her and her, the relationship building that struggled the most was the relationship between me and my husband. I knew him as a BFF and a super cool, funny, hot dude, but, I did not know him as Dad and he did not know me as Mom and we were still grappling with the fact that they gave me fishnet granny panties at the hospital that I thought were kind of sexy; the way they subtly covered my new, belly flab, but also held a GIGANTIC poise pad.

Then we went home and we didn’t make plans to see the new independent movies together anymore. We made plans to make home movies. The incredibly boring kind where madly in love first time parents take 4 hours of tape of their kid drooling and going cross-eyed and then subjecting said tapes to friends who never call again.

Then, my entire world shifted to nothing but baby as I became madly, obsessively, restraining-order-y in love with my baby and my husband, yeah, he was cool too.

But, he wanted to have sex and I didn’t. At all.

So, after shoving him away because I was tired and milk was spraying out of my breasts like a fire hose and, I was still wearing the hospital fishnet undies because I was rocking the shit out of them, he finally said to me in the bathroom one day,

“Honey, I think there is something wrong with you.”

And, after the record player scratching sound that lasted ten minutes in my brain stopped while I death stared him down, I said, so calmly, like the calm before the murder storm,

“Oh, you do. What do you think is wrong?”

And he not picking up on my silent, murderous rage said,

“You never want to have sex anymore. I think you need to see a doctor. I think you may need to have some blood drawn to make sure your hormones are ok.”

And then all of the crickets of the world started chirping in unison to get the point across while I opened my mouth so wide, and for so long, that a bird built a nest in it.

And then I did something totally crazy. I made an appointment to see my doctor.

And, in the office as I told her this story, her mouth too, became unhinged and the family of birds living in my mouth started checking out the new real estate that had just become available.

And, after a moment she said, so calmly, “There is nothing wrong with you. You just had a baby. A baby JUST came out of your vagina.”

And I said, “Thank you. I love you.”

And she said, “Stop hugging my neck. I can’t breathe.”

She explained that my sex drive would come back, but, it would likely always be different and diminished while in the throes of raising babies and explaining shit to husbands about why after a day of someone pooping on you, pulling your hair, chewing on your nipples and treating your vag like a college game of Hacky Sack, you wouldn’t be “in the mood”. When I came home and said this, my husband got it. He got it because a DOCTOR said the same thing I’d been saying for 8 weeks straight, “A baby just came out of my vagina.”

So, the moral of this story is: There is nothing wrong with you. A baby just came out of your vagina. And, if all else fails, make an appointment with your doctor so she can be your expert second opinion.

Also, close your mouth because evicting birds from a mouth nest involves a bitter and nasty, extended legal process.

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Comments

  1. oh goodness gracious, bless you, you sweet truth talkin’ woman. The same thing happened with me, too.
    Also, ladies, if you are nursing your little one, it will take a long time for those hormones to even out. Like, a really really long time. Like, “I didn’t have sex for over a year” kind of a long time. My poor, poor husband.

  2. Spectacular!

  3. Love it! I found myself doing the same thing!

  4. After our first child was born, my husband loved our son and loved me so much he seriously wanted to have another baby immediately. That was crazy, obviously, because that would mean sex, and sex wasn’t happening until my undercarriage was cured of its PTSD.

    Why does no one talk about the mesh undies? Those things are so incredible they should have their own fan page, and I had never even heard of them until I got my first pair.

  5. Oh, the mesh undies! THE MESH UNDIES! I am having a flashback! Thank you for telling it like it is- mesh undies and all!

  6. I never got those fishnet undies!! *sulking*

  7. Ha! Really a great post. Could have used this right after we had kids. Except mine would be… you just had a kid come out of your abdomen, where they’re not supposed to!

  8. Kathy at kissing the frog says:

    This should be required reading for not only new moms, but new dads as well – If not for the mesh undies, but for all the other stuff you said.

  9. Is it bad that I made friends with my nurse and she hooked a girl up with a BOX of the mesh panties? I keep them hidden for sexy time. Nah, just kidding. They make kick ass dust rags.

    I feel like I say this every time I read something of yours, but you’re an incredible writer.

  10. I looooove the fishnet underwear! They were, hands down, my favorite part of the hospital stay. Next time I’m there, I’m hoarding two hobo bags full and never looking back.

  11. He said that after EIGHT WEEKS?! Holy eff. It took me about 8 months to feel ALMOST normal body-wise/hormone-wise/energy-level wise. I hope he got the memo after the doc. And…bravo to you for not punching the shit out of him in the meantime.

    • HAHAHA! I am 5 months in to baby #2 and got so used to sleeping in the bed by myself (Pi got kicked out when I was 7 months preggers) I haven’t let him back yet!

  12. Aaahhh I love it!!! I love it!!! There is nothing else to say really, except every man should read this post. A baby just came out of your vagina. I love your doctor.

  13. Samantha says:

    Around 5 months after having premature twins and being on bedrest for 12 weeks (during which time we were quite “active”), my husband declared that our sex life of 1-3 times a week was boring. I, too, had birds move into my mouth. Maybe I should have gone to see my doctor.

    • I think your husband is the one who should have gone to see the doctor. 1-3 times a week is boring! damn. haha.

  14. Thank you so much for sharing this. I mean, obviously for sharing your hilarious story about vaginal validation, but also for sharing that I’m not the only one who loved those fishnet granny panties. Damn, if I could get some more of those – it’s almost worth having another baby. *Almost.*

  15. Heather says:

    YOU are freaking hilarious! I love this it made me laugh so hard, my 4 week old that is sleeping on my chest was being shook awake…bahahaha! Wow you are awesome! Haha!

  16. Heather says:

    YOU are freaking hilarious! I love this it made me laugh so hard, my 4 week old that is sleeping on my chest was being shook awake…bahahaha! Wow you are awesome! Haha!

  17. Jmacries says:

    In the hospital world the mesh granny panties are known as “Party Pants”. Guess the secret’s out now!
    My husband told me at week 5 postpartum that I must not find him attractive anymore while he tried to rub my hip. I swear to God that if I hadn’t had a 5 week old hanging off my nipple I would have assaulted him. NOT in the sexy way he was thinking of either! Needless to say, we had a long discussion regarding my vagina and ITS recent assualt. He walked away a smarter, safer man.

  18. Those mesh undies were the BOMB. I ended up grabbing two fist-fulls of them as I headed out the hospital, than proceeded to hand wash them to get more use out of them. Luckily I had c-sections would bought me some time in needing to get my mojo back. But I’d like my husband to get a vasectomy and then ask him several times a day for a couple days afterwards if he feels like getting busy.

  19. I SO wish someone would have said this to me–preach it, fabulous doctor! And I especially liked the shout-out to the mesh panties. Why do I still miss them so much??

  20. I just read your middle paragraphs to Steve in the way I do when I’m unable to breathe…”allthe…….CRIC….CRICKETS…oh god….in the….HAHAHA.” You’re like the postpartum Snow White, all kinds of wild life at your command.

  21. Oh my GOD, I love you.

    I agree with Kathy – this should be required reading for all new dads. LOL!!!!

  22. Those panties were the BOMB.

  23. Okay, first of all, I LOVE that you worked in a reference to the creepy steak selling trucks. Do people actually buy meat from those??? And I swear to god, one came to my house today. Right after I had put the kids down for a nap. And rang the goddamned doorbell. I was all like, “No one wants your weird beef. Go away.” And second of all, THANK YOU sooo much for posting about this. I am right there with you. There’s a lot wrong with me, but at least I can blame some of it on the whole having a baby thing!

  24. My little one was 8 months…I tried (well, he tried I didn’t) and we didn’t end up…My little one was 18months before I finally had sex again…And even then (and now that she’s 5.5 years) I could still go without for months at a time 🙁

  25. Oh wow that is soon…. I dont know how some woman manage to have children so quick aft there other I certainly needed a three month break….. Looking at it from the mans perceptive in my case I did not want to have any bedroom antics from 5 months I just hated it and so I suppose after 4 months hubby is starting to think are great baby is coming and its time again, and then we say now not interested yet after 8 weeks …. sure they must be going crazy.. hee hee

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