‘Twas the Night Before Mother’s Day

‘Twas the night before Mother’s Day and all through the kitchen
No one had planned anything, and the kids were a bitchin’
The dishes were piled head high by the sink
Mom took a break to pour a quick drink

Like a lunatic, the toddler was jumping in bed,
While visions of next morning’s mimosas danced in mom’s head.
Dad playing Wii and mom was still cleaning
The baby was cranky from teething and weaning.

Then, out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Mom grabbed a pan in case something was the matter
Away to the window she flew like a flash,
Tore open the blinds and saw raccoons in the trash

Mom headed out to beat off the beasts
While the kids started shouting for mom to make boat sails for their fort made out of sheets

The kids started screaming about cake in the morning
Then mom’s “special visitor” came without warning.
The Midol was empty
The wine was all gone
No one was listening while mom’s voice droned on.

Mom finally lost it
“I’m done with this shit. I give up. I fold. I’ve had it. I QUIT!”
She grabbed her best yoga pants
and headed for Rome
She made it to Taco Bell
Then headed back home

“I’ve brought make-up NACHOS!”, mom called from the door
The family descended, “NACHOS! What are these for?”
“I left. I was gone. Didn’t you know?”
There was no reply heard over the gluttonous nacho eating show

Mom headed upstairs to put on her sweats
Take out her pony and cool her hot jets
Then, she heard them exclaim as she walked out of sight,
“We love you, Mommy! Have a good night!”

“I love you too!”, she shouted down
She took a deep breath and put on her pre-schooler’s “WORLD’S BEST MOM!” construction paper crown

Being a mom isn’t always a dream
Sometimes, kids are assholes. Sometimes, we scream

But, it IS all worth it when you have some:
And humor
And wine
And Tums

Good friends
And patience
And family
And time
And lime

And, the singular thing that is mom’s cornerstone.
Love, the glue that makes your house, a home

So, whether you’re home making muffins and crafts
Or, out with your girlfriends getting massages and trashed
I hope that you have, what do the old-timers say?
A wonderful, kick-ass Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours from me and mine. And, big, big love from one imperfect mother to another!

Bad Parenting Moments


  1. Kathy at kissing the frog says:

    Love it and love you!! So perfect! I hope you don’t have to share your nachos at all tomorrow. Xoxo

  2. This is so awesome! Love it! Happy Mothers Day to you!

  3. Absolute perfection! Happy Mother’s day to you.

  4. Truly brilliant. I’ve linked to it on the dadsaster site. We just did our “10 GREATEST MOMMY BLOG POSTS IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERWEBS, EVER.” This would have definitely made it. Jeeze you’re clever.

  5. This is so great. I hope it is read by moms every Mother’s Day eve. It couldn’t be better. xo and Happy Mother’s Day!!!

  6. LOVE it! Happy Mother’s Day to one Bad Ass Mama!
    xo Ellen

  7. AWW so clever, you! Happy Mother’s Day from one badass mutha to anotha. 😉

  8. xoxo

  9. Best. Thing. Evar!! I love you mama!!

  10. BRAVO!!! Happy Mother’s Day!

  11. This is a giant pile of awesome. Thank you and Happy Nacho Day!

  12. Perfection – hugs to you, mama!

    And I heard her proclaim on Mother’s Day eve night,
    A glass of wine and a nap would be more than all right. 😉

  13. Laura J says:

    You are my hero! Happy Mom’s Day!

  14. Truly amazing! Love it hard. Happy Mother’s Day!

  15. Perfect! I’m passing it on to my friends! 🙂

  16. Love this post you brilliant, loving, hilarious human you!

  17. Goldang you’re clever!
    Happy mama’s day to you, BKT! You make me proud of my BPM’s.

  18. Nancy Minchew says:

    LOVE IT!

  19. So you admit to not being perfect, you, too, trade down yoga pants for sweats, AND you write poetry?! You’re my favorite person ever.

    Happy, happy Mother’s Day!!!

  20. I’m writing to Hallmark asking them to offer you a job. Also, my kids never seem to notice when I run away. They only notice when I come back because they are suddenly famished and thirsty and itchy and need band-aids.

  21. I’m one of the 8267 people who share this gem!! 🙂 Love it!!

  22. Love that

  23. Yes, yes, yes! Exactly! Brilliant! I’m posting this, and waiting eagerly for that magical hour when I can start drinking. Hm… like, maybe right now! A little rum in my coffee should do the trick.

  24. Perfect! Happy Mother’s Day!

  25. MWAH! Happy Mother’s Day to one of my favorite bloggers on earth.

  26. This is frigging hilarious! Happy Mother’s Day to you.

  27. Susan derrickson says:

    I love this I would love to print it and framed so I could hang it on my wall

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