Jersey to the Center of the Earth

This week, the heavens opened up and the voice of my husband’s boss rained upon our home and said, “Yes, husband of BPM, the two days off you requested so that your wife can travel to New Jersey for a book signing are approved.”

Praise be to boss.

So, I began preparing for my first book signing and my first solo overnight trip away from the children. Like most things I prepare for, they have a way of quickly getting out of hand.

In Staples looking for a Sharpie, I stood aghast by my choices. Ultra-fine tip. Why, thank you. Oh, you were talking about the pen. So, I did what any sane person would do and drooled until a representative offered assistance.

“I thought you could use a napkin for your saliva. Also, may I help you?”

“Yes, which of these sharpies say I’m the most famous author you’ve never heard of?”

“I believe you’ll need the 80s glam variety pack.”

“I believe you are correct and also, a genius.”

I packed an incredibly small bag with heels, black clothes to accessorize with my black scarf and black coat and mapped out my course to New Jersey. Four hours. Alone. In a car without children.

The first 2 hours I sat in silence simply because I could. It was beautiful. The next 2 hours I listened to the radio. I sat stunned by news of the world, Boston and Texas. I let that soak in around the silence of the first two hours. This is the world we live in. I balanced my excitement with sober moments imagining parents burying a child and men, women and children still recovering in Boston area hospitals. The yin-yang of the moment is always so present. Joy, fear and pain all wrapped up in a beautiful ball of life. We keep living and celebrating while internally suffering with those in pain. These are the moments that make you really feel your small place in the big world.

I arrived to a home bustling with children and baked goods. Damn her and her delicious baked goods. A new friend with an old soul, she immediately fed me and asked me to make a face like I was having an orgasm while she took a picture of me eating her confectionary delight. No problem. That’s just what good friends do for one another.

We got ready. I came downstairs wearing make-up. Kim’s son asked who I was. I had already met him. He thought I was a different person. This is a true story. This is also a sad story. Maybe I’m born with it? Fuck that, it’s most definitely Maybelline.

We arrived at The (amazing, beautiful, delicious) Farmhouse Store in Westfield and made leaning fortresses of books. Some of the contributing authors meeting for the very first time. We chatted like old friends. We took pictures of decorative, plaster baby heads. Adorable men brought us wine and Cheetos. We waited. And then, actual people came to buy our book.

Wine? Check. Other stuff? Check. Check.

Wine? Check. Other stuff? Check. Check.

 

Excuse me while I geek out over this in a paragraph. People came to meet us and chat and hear us read. They bought our book and asked us to sign it. WHAAAAAAAAAT? They laughed and shared stories of Motherhood with us. They bought copies for friends who are expecting, their sisters, their daughters. They bought copies for women in their lives who they hoped would one day be parents. It was magical and spectacular. We are all connected in the throes of Motherhood. We all just want to pee alone. All of us, except the one woman dressed to the nines who sneered at our table and said, “Oh, THIS is that Pee Alone book.” and with the seething pangs of 100 years of cursed black heartedness, rolled her head dramatically away as if our sense of humor may be catching and life threatening. Have no fear, Cruella. Baby, we were born this way. You are in no danger of catching our terminal light-hearted view of life.

We read pieces aloud to a crowd, but, beforehand Kim made sure to alert everyone that if you were not a fan of the word cock or porn or specifically cockporn, you may want to exit the facilities to which a lovely woman shouted to her husband, “HONEY, GO TAKE THE KIDS FOR ICE CREAM!” She stayed, clearly a fan of the hot, buttered cockporn we were dishing up.

By the end of the night, we were exhausted, my born again virgin feet were dying in their heels and we found an ominous single, black work glove on the ground outside of Kim’s car. Ok, time to call it a night.

The next morning, I was homeward bound. Back to Vermont. Back to my babies who barely missed me. Back to a world waiting with bated breath for news from a locked down Boston.

What did I learn when I clicked my patent leather heels together three times and woke up in New Jersey? That even in the darkest moments, laughter is the best medicine. That dear friends can be found and made in the strangest of places (Thanks, Al Gore for the internet.). That a safe, happy home full of joy and life, even when it is not your own happy home, brings great comfort and peace and, that Motherhood is a bond that resonates and connects us across every line we draw in the sand.

I’m back to folding laundry, wiping rears and signing nothing but checks that I hope are held for 7 – 10 days before they’re deposited. I’m back to minivans, Cheerios underfoot and the rush of the upcoming school week.

But oh, what a wild ride it was. Happily home until the next adventure…

Kim of Let Me Start By Saying, Me, Anna of Random Handprints, Kim of The Fordeville Diaries and Amy of My Real Life.

Kim of Let Me Start By Saying, Me, Anna of Random Handprints, Kim of The Fordeville Diaries and Amy of My Real Life.

You can visit my lovely co-authors in their internet homes. Wipe your feet at their virtual doorstep.

Kim of Let Me Start By Saying

Anna of Random Handprints 

Kim of The Fordeville Diaries

Amy of My Real Life

And, by all means…BUY OUR BOOK. Because it’s special, amazing and we are not the slightest bit biased about that.





Comments

  1. New Jersey loved having you!
    What a fabulous night — so, so glad you were here.

    • Kim, I long for the day that we drink pink champagneI check for bruises I must have certainly left from elbowing you so hard when Cruella walked by. Really, are you ok? I can send more alcohol as medical payment.

  2. Having you in my home, making my daughter giggle and confusing my son with your cosmetics application, was nothing less than a thrill. I want you to stay longer next time, like 3-4 lifetimes. Please.
    And now I must send you the picture I took of you photographing baby heads. Because that is a normal sentence in our world.

    • 3 – 4 lifetimes may almost be enough time. Also, I need these pictures because my husband doesn’t believe me when I tell him that I was photographing baby heads and you photographed ME photographing baby heads and that it looked like I was taking a dump in a high-end retail store. I mean, why wouldn’t he believe that? Men.

  3. Stephanie says:

    I want to see the dessert picture.. and now the baby hesd picture!!! :^D

    • I’m working on getting those from the lovely Let Me Start By Saying. I’ll add them to the post when she delivers. xo Thanks for reading and wanting to see the baby heads. That makes me love you even more.

  4. So happy to meet you and to sign books with our 80s glam colors. Hoping the boss approves another Jersey jaunt before too long!

    • It was so great to meet you too, Anna. You are the media mogul I long to be but have not the brain power or business sense to pull off. xo

  5. So much fun to have you here. No matter where you were born, I think you are a Jersey Girl at heart!

    • Thank you for saying so. I want to be a Jersey girl. Jersey girls are FUN. So happy I met you. OH, you have a lovely singing voice. xo

  6. It sounds positively marvelous. And I’m not even a tiny bit jealous.

    One of those statements is a lie.

  7. You guys make me sad because I miss Jersey and I missed meeting you all. But I’m so psyched that you got to all get together for such a cool event, and that you guys got to meet my friend Sue. She loved you, and therefore, I love you!!

    • Sue was amazing. Sweet, kick-ass sense of humor and really fun just to be around. Which, is not shocking, because she’s your close friend. I would have loved to have you there. I think the day we all get together, the world will temporarily stop spinning to commemorate the moment. Sure, we’ll all go flying off the Earth, but, worth it.

  8. I am dying to go to a book signing. Not because I want to sign a bunch of books (I really do) but because I want to meet all of our co-authors and share a drink or three. Also, I want to hear you read the cockporn story.

    • Amy, I so look forward to the day that we’re all in one room together. Sure, it may be an overnight drunk tank at the local police station, but, it will be so worth it. Oh, and I’m down to tell the cockporn story any time. Oh small hitch, you have to come to Vermont.

  9. A-MAZ-ing. I would have loved to have been at that book signing. I admire how you skillfully tied together the world tragedies and this excellent adventure. You described life, plain and not so simple.

    Ellen

  10. Third time reading this today, and I am still crying with laughter at the part where you came down in makeup!! Oh my Lord, SO FUNNY!!

  11. Oh how I wish I could have been there with all of you wonderful women!
    This is yet another wonderful post from your brilliant, amazing mind.

  12. LOVE!! I so wish I could have stalked …er, uh seen y’all! <3 Devan

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