Haiku for Future Parents

When my husband and I first started dating, we had everything in common. He was hilarious. I was adorable. We had the same philosophies on children and child-rearing which was really astounding considering we had no children of our own.

Aside from all our good intentions and well formed ideas about topics we knew nothing about, we were positive we were still right. We were wrong. Let me be clear, we were dunces. Granted, we were fancy dunces with designer jeans and lofty ideas and diamond encrusted dunce caps. And, when I adjusted my scholarly know-nothing glasses, I looked really smart. We were idiots.

Back then, we had youth, time and arms unencumbered by screaming children or diaper bags on and by our side. We had plenty of time to recline knowingly in chairs and judge the parenting of others. What we didn’t have was children. Or experience. Or, a fucking clue.

We had a horrible case of Parenting Dysmorphia. It’s a condition that affects the brain and often the mouth. It occurs when you speak with conviction about a topic you know nothing about. The only known cure is experience and enough sleep deprivation to awake-dream about going back in time to punch your former self in the face.

Sure, we didn’t have children, but, we were planning on it. Wasn’t that close enough? No. How different could it be from watching parents while you sipped a hot latte? Shockingly so.

I’m of the opinion that the best health and welfare measures are always preventative. So, without further ado, I give you, Haiku for Future Parents:

Child screams on a bus
Do not stare and be a dick
Smile, wave or say Hi

You see the stroller
Hold the fucking door open
Karma is a bitch

Your kid will scream too
I would lower your eyebrow
My kid might grab it

Watching is easy
That hot latte in your hand
It may be your last

Be kind to Mothers
When you need a nursing pad
It’s good to have friends

Practice makes perfect
Volunteer to babysit
Parents need sex too

“She let herself go”
Is a phrase you will regret
While you fight with Spanx

Namaste, mother fuckers.

Namaste, mother fuckers.





Comments

  1. I thought it was so awesome when a dad watched me struggle to get my double stroller through the pediatrician’s door. He had a pretty delayed reaction and finally jumped up to help as I finished getting the monstrosity through.

  2. Where is the applause button for this post??!! Oh my yes, so much yes it is ridiculous. LOVE IT!!-The Dose Girls

    • Bethany says:

      Thank you to my favorite dynamic duo. I’ve been reading your latest post over and over, by the by. xo

  3. Oh, dear God! I remember those days. Back when I knew it all. *sigh* Funny how I didn’t know one. damn. thing.

    • Bethany says:

      It’s amazing the stark difference between what I thought I knew and what I actually knew…and still know. Somehow, I know less with each passing year. I may never figure this out. *shrugs and pours another glass of wine*

  4. Brilliant as always! So awesome! I’m going to share this with all the nurses, midwives and OBs at work if you don’t mind…they will SOOOO appreciate it!

  5. Awesome. Well done, well done

  6. Thank God we don’t still take the advice we have ourselves in our 20’s. I knew nothing, but I was pretty sure I was a parenting savant. The only thing I’ve learned since then is that I still don’t know anything.

  7. Kids in restaurant
    Non-macaroni night out
    Send momma some wine

  8. awesome

  9. These are brilliant. And the fact that you can Haiku While Parenting is not an unnoticed skill either. Badge these up (with your credits) and they will get shared in ridiculous proportions. 🙂

  10. Ah, yes. I, too, was an excellent mother before I had kids. I feel you. I so feel you.

    • Bethany says:

      Weren’t we all? I’d totally go back in time and run into my own heels with a double stroller if I could.

  11. The haikus are genius!

  12. T Hopkins says:

    Namaste… yes, indeed! 😉
    Love this post.
    Venting is good.

    • Bethany says:

      Why, thank you! I was wondering if anyone was going to notice my closing Namaste. You must have excellent eyes…and impeccable taste.

  13. My heart is swollen
    With love for witty haiku
    Heart, cankles, whatevs

  14. You should embroider these on throw pillows and sell them. Soon, cuz I’ve got some gift giving events coming up!

  15. My favorite is when parents to be speak of things like schedules and sleeping through the night. I laugh and laugh at them. And then laugh some more. They have no idea. I had no idea.

    • Bethany says:

      My favorite thing to tell new parents is the truth: You will know absolutely nothing and never sleep again. 😉

  16. Can I please have this framed and mounted on my front door? I just want people to know what they’re walking into.

    FABULOUS!

  17. Truer words never spoken! I was a much better parent before I had children. Thank you!

  18. When at night you sleep
    Remember to lock the door
    or sleep with a third

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