My Mother’s Helper – A story of maternal redemption.

I have been seriously considering bringing a third party into my home for months. Someone young, with no sense of their real, monetary value who would be 70% Maria Von Trapp, 25% Soleil Moon Frye and 5% Roseanne. Someone who would be all the things I desperately want to be to my children; a playmate, a puppet maker, an executor of Playmobil pirates and an outside of the lines colorer of papers and ideas. I dream of this as I lay trapped underneath 27 pounds of unfolded laundry and the 99 cent sausage that must be cooked tonight or, we will all die of food poisoning.

Recently, I had an epiphany. My husband may call it a psychotic break, but, why argue semantics.

On a loop of kitchen to laundry room to grocery store to kitchen more endless than the spinning ballerina atop a jewelry box, I was losing steam and my mind.

What I needed was respite. A few hours a week to knock out some of the more mundane and more pressing creative tasks in order to be a mother I could be proud of or, more realistically, tolerate. A few hours a week. It seems so simple. It seems so logical. It seems like an idea planted in so much common sense. It was also rife with guilt. If I admit I need help, I have failed. Being at one with my daily failures, I decided I could live with this.

So began the search. Finding a young person that embodies the qualities you are looking for is akin to a search for the Holy Grail. They must be fun, but, not so fun that you are rendered functionally useless. They must be kind and generous, but, not so kind and generous that your children walk all over them. They must be funny, but, not so funny that your children don’t roll their eyes at their jokes. They must be patient, but, not so patient that you appear more and more like a prison warden by comparison. They must be able to craft and sing songs, but, not teach 3-part-harmony because, seriously, give me a fucking break. Lastly, they must be inexpensive. This is key.

I’m happy to say I have found her. She is, dare I say, perfect. To illustrate:

Text received from her mother today: Grace wanted to check and see if she made up some bunny ears/coloring crafts if she could do that with the kids. She knows not everyone does the whole Easter Bunny gig and she didn’t want to offend.

RIGHT? Right. Perfect.

And then, there was her resume. She sent me a full resume with wit and experience bounding off the screen. Like that love song on a radio that just happens to play during your first real make-out session. This was fate.

Grace, mistakenly under the impression that anyone reads my blog, has given me permission to post her resume in the hopes that she secures more work. May I just say, BACK OFF. I FOUND HER FIRST.

Enjoy the resume of my unicorn. My four-leaf clover. My shooting star. My Mother’s Helper. I did NOT embellish or add. This is her resume. Yes, she has a merit badge in ironing. Who doesn’t? *Raises hand* Me. I don’t.

Grace (Like Cher or Madonna, she is now a one-name celebrity.)

Education

Kindergarten at Christian heritage school
First grade to Present 8th grade Home-school

Relevant experience
2004 to Present

Grace is been an active member in the girls group called “Keepers of the Faith”. It includes extensive skills for practical living, and creative handiwork. Grace holds the honor of being awarded the most merit badges as well as perfect attendance several years. She also worked as an assistant with the younger groups last year. Listed below are just some of the merit badges that Grace has been awarded.

Baking, etiquette, storytelling, hospitality, ironing, photography, scrap booking, grandparents (dying to know how one merit badges in Grandparents), art, sewing, child care, hygiene, first aid, cleaning, knitting, cake decorating, sign language.

2011 to Present

Grace is actively working at her church as a teacher’s assistant in the 2 to 5 -year-old classroom.
She also has great computer skills as she runs the projection system for the church worship weekly.

March 16 – 2011

Grace completed the requirements for the American Red Cross Babysitting training And First aid.

June through August of 2012

Childcare Assistant five days a week from 11 AM to 4 PM.
Grace worked as an assistant in her grandmother’s registered state childcare for their summer camps program. She assisted mostly with the preschoolers and infants. Her responsibilities included supervising toddlers on the playground and kiddie pool. She also helped serve lunch to a group of 10 – 14 children of various ages from infant to age 11.

Personal interests and information

Music particularly One Direction and Taylor Swift
Fashion design she hopes to become a personal stylist one day Like Rachael Zoe
Rabbits. She owns a two-year-old Holland lop named Annabelle. She has proven herself responsible with caring for Annabelle’s everyday needs.
Writing and acting out stories.
Reading
Grace’s personality is shy at first but opens up when she warms up and feels comfortable. Works best when she’s told directly what to do and having a detailed list but also can improvise if need be.
Grace enjoys making up new games, acting out stories, dressing up in costumes and dance parties. She has a wonderful imagination – crafts crafts crafts! Give Grace cardboard a roll of duct tape and sharpies. You will be her new best friend.

Grace is left home often to supervise her two younger brothers. She always does a stellar job. By stellar I mean the house is not burned down and no one is dead.

Why I want this job

1. I really need a job

2. I enjoy spending time with children. I find them hilarious.

3. I have nothing to do and no life, I’m hoping this job will give me something to do and little money to buy a life.

Thank you for this opportunity I look forward to speaking with you soon. I hope this will be the start of a beautiful friendship. And by friendship I mean, you being the boss of me.

writer’s post-script: Are you following me on Bloglovin? It’s easy to do. Make me happy. You know you want to. xo, BPM

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Comments

  1. Cassandra says:

    This is the best piece of literature I have ever read in my life.

  2. “And by friendship I mean, you being the boss of me.” Best closing line to a resume – and maybe ANYTHING – ever.

  3. She just sounds like such a gem! Enjoy that extra help and that extra sense of humor around your house–not that you were lacking in that department 😉

  4. that is the best resume ever. i love all of it. i also love that she has a bunny named Annabelle and aspirese to be stylist like rachel zoe….AWESOME!

  5. I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I love her. On the other hand, I have 5 kids and she’s a more qualified parent than I am.

    What the hell – if she has a cousin in Michigan, please give her my number.

    • Oh, she is clearly more qualified to parent than I am, but, her lack of a driver’s license makes me cooler for at least a couple more years.

  6. Robyn Stires says:

    Speaking as this child’s Mother… trust me she is a better parent then most of us because she does not do it full time and gets paid to do it. Think about that one! How much better would we be in if We only worked at this Mom Gig part time and got paid for it? Heck yes Mother of the year right here…

  7. Holy cow! Where was that girl 1) when mine was small and 2) I should have had her type up Hubby’s resume when he was unemployed!

  8. I love Grace. Can we clone her and send one to my house? Dude, I’m flailing over here.

    • I get it. I was flailing, failing, nose-diving, and walking the plank before Grace descended from the heavens or, from Facebook.

  9. Bethany, let’s be crystalfuckingclear: If I did not adore you so much, I would drive my ass up to Vermont and take you down, just so I could hire Grace out from under you. I’m kidding. A little.

    • I would have no choice but to share her with you because you would be chained up in my attic like Misery. I’m kidding. A little.

  10. This is brilliant. I actually took a day off from work this week. A Tuesday, when the nanny is here. I got more done yesterday than I have the last 4 weekends combined. Enjoy! And try not to be overwhelmed by the freedom.

  11. Well cool!! I love asking for help, never, and I always get an angel from heaven, never.
    I do love the comments on here! This is great, I am sure we will be hearing how she works out, I am happy you get a little relief! I hate stress and want to kick it in the junk – off to search for me a Grace! (Is her name REALLY Grace or is that a clever thing you did there? Like, she’s your saving Grace?)
    <3 Devan

    • Robyn Stires says:

      Her name really is Grace… She is my Saving Grace for sure…. Her name means “Gift from God” and trust me as her Mother I struggle with that term sometimes.. LOL.. But she is a good girl.. I hope she will be a good gift to Bethany s house…

  12. Wow. You hit the jackpot. My husband and I, along with our neighbors, have just gone in together on a babysitter for the summer for our school-aged kids who no longer have daycare. After talking about money and hours and such, she asks “is it okay if I have my boyfriend over sometimes?”……..Uuuuugggghhhh. Lucky you:)

  13. She sounds AMAZING! It’s the most honest people in life that you can trust. No BS from this chick!

  14. Holy cow – I find kids hilarious, too! She and I have so much in common, except she sounds a lot more mentally balanced. And by “mentally balanced,” I mean someone not like me.

  15. OMG I WANT A GRACE! “She always does a stellar job. By stellar I mean the house is not burned down and no one is dead.” Merit badge in fucking hilarious.

  16. Ok, I will be honesr here (don’t hate!):
    I am only a part time mom….an accidental stepmom is the phrase I like! This little 5 year old os my world, even if I only get him every other weekend and on school vacations. But I totally want a Grace of my very own. I could use her to show me the things I need to know for when I become a full time mom. The girl has a badge in ironing?? Come on! I can’t iron anything without adding creases that weren’t there before!

    • I would never hate! When a mama needs help, a mama needs help. No judgment. I don’t iron either. My resume would look something like this: Has a merit badge in drinking coffee and sometimes putting on a real bra.

  17. You hit the mother lode!! That line about “you being the boss of me” was amaze balls!! Everyone should be able to have a Grace. Good for you!!

    Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants

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