Just put that anywhere.

If a man’s home is his castle, then this mom’s home must be a moat. I’m not quite sure when we took the turn from home to livable storage unit, but, the transition was akin to waking from a long-term coma. Instead of flowers and loving family, I awoke to paint your own jewelry boxes, glitter pens and  wooden train tracks that lead to the next episode of Hoarders. Even without worldly possessions, we are a family of 6 living in a home built to house 4 comfortably. With our treasures, we are pressed into every corner like poisonous gas permeating every pore during a fumigation. Add the cautionary circus tent, crushed cereal bar underfoot, several remote control cars and an air of disaster annnnnnnd,VOILA! Welcome to our lovely home.

Although I am a notorious night-organizer and ninja-purger, every surface of our floor and every cabinet is brimming with Grade-A crap. A virtual wonderland of items that I painstakingly, like a struggling entry-level magician “make disappear”. Later in my act, these items are somehow replaced by less useful and larger items. *Poof* Magic!

Upon returning from February break away from our own home; creating messes, chaos and littering things-n-stuff over the expanse of someone else’s home, I returned to find a box full of plastic bats, nine plastic devil tails and a rubber hand sitting on my counter. Useful and necessary? Check and check.

This is the magic portal of time and space. Meaning precisely that, at no time, must any space be unfilled. *ghostly whisper* If you clear it, more crap will come.

Living this way has been a test of patience and physics as I scientifically prove that, indeed, you can cram 10 pounds of stuff into a 2 pound bag and then stuff that bag into a travel sized, reusable snack bag and then that into the middle console of my van.

In this sea of confusion where toys and functionality perish, I spend more time than I care to admit (all day) searching for the items amidst the toynado. I have become my own Momgyver, fashioning band-aids out of Barbie’s sweatbands and searching for the lost mates to socks in the toddler’s medical kit.

The broom handle has become every lost toy’s personal Bat Signal. “Diego, the broom is on the way. Sit tight, little buddy. We’ll find a way to get you out of there. Is there anyone we should call? Dora is already on her way with Boots and Map.”

LIVING ROOM
RADIATOR VENT
BROOOOOM HANDLE!

SAY IT WITH ME!

LIVING ROOM
RADIATOR VENT
BROOOOOM HANDLE!

The children navigate the cluttered chaos of home like professionals. Finding bliss while surrounded by their things. Unaware of their need of a junkie’s intervention. Like Gollum, eagle eyes on and arms encircling their precccccccciouus.

Meanwhile, I plot. Making mental notes, developing my hit-list and filling virtual give-away boxes in my mind. Closing my eyes; imagining clean, uncluttered space. Wishing for a black hole in the great galaxy of home; knowing full well that all black holes must lead somewhere and, judging by the looks of things, they all lead directly back to my property.





Comments

  1. Ahh yes, the never-ending piles of crap. I make purging a sport around here, and yet, every time I turn around, a new pile has replaced the old. I’ll be the only woman in history to die by being crushed my a renegade stack of cup lids.

  2. I did a Ninja-esque toy purge 2 weekends ago. I felt like my pre-kids, organized self for a few glorious days only to find that the toys bred overnight and refilled my house somehow?!?!

    They win. I’m done. I’ll see you on the next episode of Hoarders: Toy Edition.

  3. toynado, so, so true. i’ve given-up against the clutter, especially as i wasn’t too tidy pre-kids anyway. each of my kids has a box they are instructed to put their “special” things in. they don’t of course, but my rule is i don’t look for stuff – they should’ve put it in their “special” things box!

    • We have several boxes that should house things, but, instead are flipped upside down to create blockades or positioned carefully in my path; causing impressive tumbles as I crash into them after stepping on a Lego.

  4. Oh gawd! The crap! The mountains and MOUNTAINS of CRAP! Some days I want to just climb the piles and start yodeling….

  5. Yup, my house, too. I often have a magician’s assistant in my husband, but then I’ll find 8 boxes of old magazines and he’ll refuse to get rid of them. No, they’re not going to be worth something someday. Nobody wants a 10-year-old issue of FHM. Oh, it’s every issue from 1998? A complete set, why didn’t you say so???

    • With my stuff and your stuff and my husband’s love of stuff and YOUR husband’s love of stuff, we will have enough stuff to make a stuff island where we can both be Queen. I’ll meet you there, your majesty.

  6. Beautifully written.

  7. Oh, the crap piles! I let it grow and grow and then I “ninja purge!” Thanks for letting us know we are not alone!

  8. As a former organized person I have to weigh in with this little nugget of wisdom…eventually you will give up. Sure, there will be spurts of “I WILL conquer this” but eventually you will be so worn down that even after they up and leave your home for college you just won’t have the energy anymore. I’m hoping/praying that it will come back eventually – but as of this moment I’m thinking that “they” have won.

    • I am thisclose to giving in. I also notice that the closer to 10:00 p.m. I get, the less I care. It’s a delicate balance between acceptance and losing my mind when I step on yet another My Little Pony brush.

  9. *groan* tell me about it!! I make lists, I sort, I donate and when I come back…they’ve brought in a fresh pile of crap!!

  10. Piles and piles…I too have visions of what I would like to clean/sort/organize next…I say, “I am not a hoarder, my house is just too small for all my crap!” Burried moms unite! <3 Devan

  11. And then they start school and your kitchen table and every inch of counter space not already covered in crap becomes covered in school paper. Because God forbid you throw out the picture of the letter A they colored. I have to sneak papers into the recycling bin but of course they just breed more.

    • Our eldest is in first grade. We thought we were being clever and purchased an additional table as the “homework table” which is now just the “additional crap table full of crap table”. The school paperwork is spread around the house like a conspiracy theorists living room. I have to throw away pieces of scrap “art” in the dead of night…like a crimnal. What have we become?

  12. Glitter tubes, stuffed animals, nail polish and hair ties– just a few of the piles we have. And books. (But about half of those are mine.) And slips of “important” paper for her school, and reminders, and…

    But, with one at college and her room oddly organized and clean, I know it doesn’t last forever. You’ll go from puzzles and Legos and McCrap toys to shoes and backpacks and old school assignments– to a room that stays put.

    There is hope at the bottom of the piles. 🙂

  13. Sigh…at least I’m not alone!!!

  14. I love you, you’re high-sterical! My mom is on her way to get the boy, and I was just making a mental list of everything I will terminate while he is gone. Then I read this post, AMEN SISTAH!!!! BUT we literally just got 6 inches of snow, the garbage cans are at the end of the driveway!!!! HOW WILL I EVER MAKE IT???? You can bet I’m gonna follow your funniness. BTW found you through your funny cohort YKIHAYHT.

  15. This cracked me up: “Living this way has been a test of patience and physics as I scientifically prove that, indeed, you can cram 10 pounds of stuff into a 2 pound bag and then stuff that bag into a travel sized, reusable snack bag and then that into the middle console of my van.”

    I’m fantasizing about warmer weather so I can just start chucking junk out onto the driveway. The winds are strong here in March. Fingers crossed that it all just blows away (or at least next door). Ellen

  16. Holy crap! This is SO my life right now. I could relate to every last sentence. “Unaware of their need of a junkie’s intervention. Like Gollum, eagle eyes on and arms encircling their precccccccciouus.” …this has tears of laughter streaming down my face. And probably a little sadness too because of the level of relatability.

    Visiting from the YKIHAYHT blog hop…SO glad that I did! New fan & follower!

    • So much Gollum and the baby still has minimal hair so it’s a little too close of a match when she’s huddling in a corner with a piece of plastic produce. Thank you for reading and welcome to the bloggidy blog!

  17. You read my mind my friend! Yesterday I actually cried when I woke up and walked into the boys’ room to see the giant mess they had made after I stayed up the night before cleaning it. We have 5 kids and live in a modest, one story house. I feel like we’re bursting out of the seams sometimes, even though other people tell me my house is oddly clean for someone with 5 kids. The clutter adds up so fast though! It’s seriously overwhelming, hence why I was literally crying into my Cheerios.

  18. Toys have managed to stay in the bedroom but drawings, school work and books are everywhere! Someday I’ll go missing for days only to be found under a runaway stack of stick figure drawings of Mario and the Power Rangers. 😛

  19. Have you been peeking in my windows? I always say I’m an organized person living in an unorganized life.

    Glad I came across your blog on YKIHIYHT. Love what I’ve read so far!

  20. Oh, the humanity. Toys, dirty clothes, more toys, books, homework papers … and did I mention toys? I’m one of the people who watches “Hoarders” to feel better about myself, but it doesn’t always work. 🙁

  21. Anonymous says:

    Hey….you live in my house?

  22. You know what, we had 7 people living in a less than 900 sq ft house and I babysat, I felt like I was constatntly cleaning and shoving crap into space that probably shouldn’t exist. Same 7 people who moved into a house over twice the size and guess what? Still shoving crap places. I think it is just a disease the children carry in. The disease should be named and treated with a dose of Merry Maids and a Sam’s Club sized bottle of wine, all completely covered by insurance or tax deductible…

  23. Ohhhhmygoodnessgracious, I LOVED “toynado” and “Momgyver”. Ha! This was so funny and I can SO relate!!

  24. I regularly have to make clandestine missions to “disappear” the debris that is created by the broken, scattered, and otherwise impotent toys. Nobody even notices that stuff is gone. It’s incredible!

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