A Very Merry BPM Christmas!

In spite of the children’s attempts to corner the coal market, Santa arrived this year with gifts. A bounty of well-thought out, wrapped delights that said, “I know you. I love you. You annoyed the shit out of your parents this year. Miraculously, you still made the nice list. You’re welcome, Santa”. This year, my husband organized a brass quartet and sold their services for Jesus. He and three other horn players got the “gig” – playing 5 masses at the local, Catholic Church. When he initially booked the masses, I was relieved. It would help supplement the Christmas the red-suited, fat man was getting all the credit for. Well played, fat man. Well played. Sure, he would be gone the majority of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, but, how bad could it be? Famous last words.

For those of you new to the blog, we have four, small children ranging in age from 6 to just shy of 1 year. I like to consider myself an experienced parent – NEVER an expert. I’m an expert at drinking wine and cold coffee, but, I will never be an expert at parenting. Ever. Never.

In what can only be temporary Christmas blindness brought on by cheesecake diabetes or the copious amounts of wine I’d consumed to make it through the holiday season, I’d failed to think this through to any semblance of a logical conclusion. The extra money sounded like a great idea. The children would, no doubt, be patient on Christmas morning. How hard could it be to sit though hour upon hour of staring at presents? Surely they were old enough to handle several more tortured hours of waiting for something they’d already been waiting an entire year for.

It hit me at midnight – the clock struck Christmas and a big pail of “Oh Shit!” hit me square in the face. I was blind, but, now I see. Dear baby Jesus in the manager, HELP.

Horn playing husband left our warm bed shortly after 6:00 a.m. to head out to play for and in the huddled masses. I heard the rustling of small feet. I heard the tears of the 2 year old screaming, “SANTA DIDN’T COME! HE DIDN’T BRING ME PRESENTS!” Still new to this whole Santa business, she’d assumed she would wake up in a bed made entirely of gifts, dressed as a princess, holding a candy cane wand. 

They bounded downstairs. I followed sheepishly behind with every step, “Oh crap. oh crap. oh crap. oh crap.”

They were in Santa bliss. Foaming at the mouth. Like wild, Christmas attack dogs ready for the kill.

Then I said it, “Kids, we’re going to wait until Daddy gets home to open presents! Won’t that be fun?” 

Record scratching. Turd in punchbowl. Nagasaki.

In unison: “When does Daddy get home?”

*Face melting, slurring words, slow motion – battery dying in toy voice* “Four hours.”

I’m not sure what happened next, but, we all mostly made it through unscathed and I’ve found a new friend in breakfast cocktails. To the first person who poured Kahlua into your coffee, you are a friend, genius and trailblazer. Marry me.

I have made peace with my epic, Christmas morning fail because as everyone knows, I don’t do perfect. True to form, what is a Christmas at my house without the ultimate Bad Parenting Moment. I’m a gal who loves consistency and Kahlua. 

Mmmmmmmm, Kahlua.


“PRESENTS? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ PRESENTS!”







Comments

  1. I can’t believe you got them to wait 4 hours to open the presents! Baby Jesus must have had your back.

  2. How the HECK did you manage that? Besides the Kahlua, I mean. Did you give them some?

  3. Patience and Christmas are about as unlikely a pair as patience and…well anything when it comes to small children. You were so brave to face the them alone. Even counting your drink, you were still greatly outnumbered. At our house there was a sort of similar miracle. The three year old passed out stockings, first to her baby sister and last to herself, waiting to open hers without suggestion.

  4. We had baby #2 two weeks ago, so life in general is an epic fail to our two year old… I WISH she would tear through her gifts. She opened each one in no less than 10 minutes and spent an hour playing with each before opening the next. During nap time seeing the pile of gifts from grandparents and aunts not shrinking quick enough, we hid half of it away to use as surprises and bribes over the next few months.

  5. I can’t believe you got them to wait that long, the half hour between when the 5 year olds woke up and the rest were awake was the longest 30 minutes of my life.

  6. I can’t stop laughing.

  7. I love that she didn’t even get out of bed! I LOVE your two year old like nobody’s business.

  8. Bless your heart! I don’t know how you pulled that off!

  9. Oh I love Kahlua too and may need to try that sometime. God bless you though and not sure how you made it through. You deserve a medal my friend, lol!!

  10. Adds to list…Kahlua…
    Thanks, this is funny and scary!!
    Cheers-Devan

  11. I didn’t read the post. I just want to say how happy I am that your blog is finally looking as good as you are. YAY. Way to get with it, girl!

    • Thank you! I had some help from a good friend. And, by “some” help, I mean she did it all because my technical skills are about as fresh as toilet water. Nice to see your perky blog face on the page. xo

  12. Alcohol + caffeine = increased odds of morning survival. I rely on that combo more mornings than I care to admit. Glad you made it, and that the wait is nothing but a (blurry) memory. 😉

  13. I thought the first word might be “blog” but laugh is good too.

  14. Oh, I’m sorry to laugh so hard at your expense. I can’t help it. This is too funny.
    Except the Kahlua part. That’s serious, life-saving business. Well played.

  15. Anonymous says:

    i just read this and can not belive all of you think that her saying she drank in the morning home with her kids is funny even when i did drink it was never at home with my kids home i dont find this story funny at all and the ones that do shame on you you are parents sit down with your kids and play games while you wait or what ever they like dont grab a drink to try to deal with them i dont like tour story and think they never should have posted it shame on all of you

    • Thank you so much for your very well thought out and perfectly structured reply. I’ve taken the liberty of sending your parenting award by way of carrier pigeon. I hope it finds you! Fingers crossed!

  16. On my Christmas morning we waited for my oldest daughter to get there before opening presents, prior we made a dash to the store for wine, bc I got them scooters. That needed assembly. My youngest are 7 & 9, and while they did ask often enough about opening presents, the “your dad is asleep, he worked all night, let’s just have some breakfast and dance.” worked pretty well. Plus, wine. And Coffee. Besides, that night we had to make a 600+ mile trip to make it to my oldest son’s “not much warning” wedding on the 27th. THANKS FOR MAKING DECEMBER CRAZY, SON!

    I read on another blog (or maybe it was yours) about only drinking cold coffee. That’s pretty much how it goes here. Because who has time for coffee to cool off before you drink it? NOT ME. You just can’t chug hot coffee.

    This morning my 9yo daughter complained about her last birthday venue and wanted to plan her next.. in OCTOBER. “I’LL BE DOUBLE DIGITS, I DESERVE TO PLAN THIS OUT!” I did not throttle her. Sooooooooo close.

    (found you via hopping blogs through Scary Mommy)

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