Every Party Has a Pooper!

We rarely get invited to parties outside of family functions. Let me rephrase. We rarely get invited back to parties or functions. For years I’ve assumed that our invites have been lost in the mail. A bucket full of beautiful invites to amazing parties sitting in the post office as a uniformed postal worker throws in yet another envelope while thinking, “These people must be fabulous. If only the address had been legible!”

Truth be told, we are fabulous. We are also loud and, even when on our best behavior, there is a swirling air of disaster and dirt following us as we move, tornado like, through your freshly vacuumed, party-ready home.

The children give it their best shot, but, they will likely destroy your festivus while I hover romantically near the French Onion dip.  I don’t get out much and I came wearing maternity pants.  If you need me, I’ll be sitting next to your food table in the folding beach chair I brought from home. Why yes, that is a cup holder. How kind of you to notice; I’d love a drink.

The nature of the event does not matter, nor do our unanswered pleas for their best behavior. How can I put this delicately? Shit is going to go south. Quickly. Would we love to see you perform with your choir? Yes, we would love to. Would you love to have your choir’s performance interrupted by some, surprisingly well placed, organ pedal pressing by our two year old? Hello?


Have I walked out of a party with only 3 of my children? Possibly, but, it was the eldest so I’m sure, with a stool, she could have foraged for snacks and eventually found a phone. The look on my face said, “I forgot one of my children again!” and the look on the host’s face said, “Lose my number.”

Have we left another party without our 2 year old? Maybe, but, it was dark and confusing and she was singing back-up karaoke. If we had disturbed her performance, that would have been worse. An artist should never be pulled away from her work. Besides, we were only halfway down the street so, this is a party foul that I avoid on a technicality.

Admittedly, we are a formidable crew of unrelenting noise, tears, squeals of delight and, we can clear a well stocked kitchen faster than a team of locusts. Still, we are a package deal; like Vikings or a gang fueled prison riot, it’s all of us or nothing.

So, be prepared, we are the Field of Dreams family. If you invite us, we will come, but, may I suggest hiding the port cheese ball and the expensive liquor. At the very least, closet the breakables. If you promise to ignore my nervous, awkward conversation and the inevitable lipstick on my teeth, I can almost certainly possibly promise not to leave one of my children as collateral for our invitation to your next soiree.

“Dearest, did you hide my fishing hooks, polo gear and the china?”


  1. If you guys were still here in So Cal, I would have a huge party, invite you ALL, have a blast and beg you to never leave.

    Does that sound “stalker-y”?

  2. Sounds as if you would be a welcome addition to a party here.

  3. They just can’t deal with your brilliance!! 😛

  4. Pfft, I’d invite you, we’d throw the kids in a room together to ‘play’, and we’d break out the food and booze. That’s how my family does it, and it works.

  5. You would fit in here, too!!! You sound truly like our kind of people and this sadly is how party, too lol!!!

  6. Bringing your own chair that has a cupholder = genius. Just smart thinking, mama.

  7. You know, everyone at the holidays talks about all these parties – nobody I know ever has one! Perhaps I should be grateful!

  8. So funny. I can relate. We can get our noisy destructive families together. Can we do it at your place?

    Recently I went to a mom’s night out affair and within 2 minutes of being introduced around the table I told a story which involved me calling my 3-year-old daughter a pussy. Yup. A pussy. A word that is so cringe worthy that I love it. There was a moment of silence, then my friend generously laughed while everyone I didn’t know commented suddenly on the dip. I AM AWESOME.

  9. If I ever have a party, you are all so invited. It might help distract from the damage my children are doing. **Might.**

  10. Anytime we get invited to a party by people without children and they say to bring the kids, I always end up trying to talk them out of it without even realizing it.

  11. Genius move on taking your own comfy chair with cup holder!

  12. You would fit right in with our family. Breakables? pffffft… gone YEARS ago. Leaving children? I thought that was what we brought as the hostess gift. 😀
    I’m not an amazing blogger like you, but I think you may enjoy this:
    (or not enjoy – but at least know yours probably isn’t the worst family to have over ever…)

  13. You’d fit right in at my parties!

  14. Wait, so there’s somewhere to stand at parties BESIDES the buffet? Shit.

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