Once Upon A Time…

My husband and I have a pretty good deal. I can write whatever I want about anything I want as long as I extend him some vague, undetermined amount of privacy. I think that’s fair, in theory. I’m sure no one dreams of becoming blog fodder or, in this case, blog father. I’ve kept this unspoken agreement that could never be held up in a court of law, until now. Honey, I love you. There’s a box of your favorite cake mix in the pantry.

When I met my husband, I was on the heels of the bitter, ugly end of a long term relationship. He was a college student living in his twin sister’s spare bedroom, sleeping inside a sleeping bag on a futon. On our second date, he said, “I’m going to buy you dinner. This may be the only time this happens. I just got my financial aid check.” and I thought, “Wow, this is the man of my dreams.”

His car was a devastatingly old Saab that required equal amounts of pressure on the gas pedal and brake in order not to stall at a stop light. I was impressed with the dexterity it took to make that happen. One foot pressing in the clutch. One foot hovering beautifully on brake and gas pedal. Hey, miracle man, wanna make some babies?

We officially set a date to be married before he officially proposed. I may have also been pregnant with our first. Details. In true good guy fashion, he hounded my dad for a private meeting. My father, always a wise man, tried to blow him off, but, my husband was persistent. At their sit-down, he asked for my hand in marriage. My father said, “May I suggest a long engagement?” to which my husband replied, “We’ve already set the date.” This is the stuff Hallmark movies are made of.

We were married in a small ceremony in a quaint little Chapel. In Las Vegas. In the middle of July with a temperature in the triple digits. I have fond memories of holding my $99 eBay gown over my head while hovering my pregnant rump over the wall unit AC in the “bridal dressing room” –  an ancient, mildewy on-site motel room 100 feet from the entrance to the chapel. In the throes of awful morning sickness, my main concern was if I would vomit directly into my husband’s mouth during our first kiss as man and wife.

We did not have a honeymoon. We instead decided to have several children in quick succession. Anyone will tell you that this is a fool-proof plan.

We went on our first date 8 years ago. We were married 7 months after our first date. Our first daughter was born 7 months after our wedding. Our son was born two years later. Our second daughter, 2 years after that, our 3rd daughter, 21 months after that.

When I look at the details that make up our story, it is not the traditional fairy tale romance. It is awkward, untimely and ridiculous. It is more often unplanned than carefully constructed. It is silly and full of shenanigans. Some did not take us seriously. Some probably still do not. However, on our third date, I knew. I knew that he and this ridiculous, hilarious, silly life were supposed to be mine. So, back off ladies, he’s taken. You don’t really want to take me on as a crazy ex. I mean, can you imagine?  It wouldn’t work out anyway; this is a well-loved and regular conversation in our home.

Husband: “You know that I will never give you a divorce, right?”
Me: *sigh* “Yes, I know.”
Husband: “Even if you move out, I will NEVER sign the papers.”
Me: “What if I get a restraining order?”
Husband: “You’ll have to let me see the kids. When I drop them off after our visits, I’ll say, Kids, tell Mommy that I love her SO much. Ask her when I can come home. Tell Mommy I know she doesn’t love me, but, I love her.”
Me: *Through snorting laughter* “That is terrible.”
Husband: “Well, I guess we have to stay married then.”
Me: “I guess so.”
Husband: “I love you.”
Me: “I love you too.”

And they lived happily ever after.



Never gonna give, never gonna give…GIVE YOU UP!




Comments

  1. This is quite possibly the best (and most real) love story of all time. We definitely followed the “get married too soon and have many children in succession” idea. I’m on baby #3, and we’ve not been married 3 years! 🙂 Congrats on finding a real man.

  2. Those perfectly imperfect love stories are the best. :’)

  3. “awkward, untimely and ridiculous”… I think some people have the fairly tale all wrong because this is the proof what real love, (“guess we’ll just have to stay married then”) is made of and the strength that comes with it.
    Congrats. Thanks for the laughs and thank you for breaking your “contract” and sharing. Your honesty is a breath of fresh air.

  4. I love this and I love you guys… this post just made me want to LOVE!

  5. Best “fairy tale” ever!

  6. Best “fairy tale” ever!

  7. *sigh In my head that is truly the most perfect love story every…seriously =)

  8. love love loved this . . . second only to me own story {sigh . . } – it would take several glasses of wine (a $6.99 bottle will do . . . ) Happy happy to you all!!!

  9. Oh my gosh, that conversation sounded like me and my husband, to a t.

    Last night we were having some ridiculous conversation, and he popped his head out of the kitchen, stared at me with a straight face, and said, “Because, if I die, you’re not allowed to get married ever again. Ever.”

    It was funnier in context. Sounds bad when I type it out.

    Anywho, you guys are adorable.

    • Paige Kellerman, my husband also uses the old Simpson’s line: “When I die, I’m going to be stuffed and placed on the couch as a constant reminder of our wedding vows.” i have a feeling a meeting between us and our spouses would result in much drunken, inappropriate merriment.

  10. Love, love, LOVE you guys, and your love story. Also love that you had a $99 eBay dress (Me too!), but a *little* bummed that you and I can never be (legally) married to each other in said $99 dresses. Sigh. Oh well, my hubs always says he’ll never give me a divorce either, so I guess I’ll settle for being your most avid Internet stalker. Congrats on many years of screwing with tradition in all the right ways, you crazy kids!

  11. hahaha this is the sweetest xoxoxo

  12. You’re a gorgeous writer. I’m kind of pissed that I didn’t get pregnant before my wedding.

  13. very funny. and awesome. congrats on making work what few can do even when they start with doves and puppy dogs.

  14. Cheers! THIS is so real, so funny, so sweet! Thanks for sharing!

  15. Wait til they’re teenagers. They’ll pit you against each other. Maybe you’ll both move out and get a restraining order against the kids… Brilliant idea! Gotta go.

  16. aw, yay!!!!!! 🙂

    My husband and I will look at each other and say, “you know, neither one of us is getting out of this alive.” and we crack up together.

    sometimes the most awesome love stories are the ones that seem like the oddest sorts. I wish you both many years of wonderfulness together.

  17. “Hey, miracle man, wanna make some babies?”
    Hilarity. I am going to pretend you really said that to him at some point while sitting at a red light in that badass Saab. Did you? Please say yes.

    • Oh, I have. We say lots and lots of ridiculous things to each other because if you can’t laugh at yourself and each other, what’s the point, amiright? Thanks for reading and laughing! Laughing is my favorite. xo

  18. Sweet, perfect love story and marriage if you ask me. I’d tell you to hold on to this keeper, but sounds like he’s not letting you go 😉

  19. Cute and perfect!! Your conversation is pretty much how talks go at my house too!!

  20. I love these real stories. I’ve found, in my experience, the true romance goes far beyond a perfect proposal (which I did not get) and the storybook courtship. The true romance is in the everyday!

  21. You just made me cry ugly. Big, ugly tears. My marriage happened much the same way, and trust me, neither of us will ever give up.

  22. I thought I had you beat (we met at the end of August and was married by January….almost 22 years ago) until you said you were pregnant; so you win!

    I loved this story! Just goes to show….when you know, you KNOW! Congrats.

  23. I love this. You guys are perfect for each other. And what is better than that? Nothing. 🙂

  24. This sounds like me and my husband! I love it!!!

  25. This is the stuff that fairy tales are made of…or something like that. I’m so happy that he knocked you up and forced you to marry him. My life wouldn’t be the same without you.

  26. I LOVED THIS. This is what true love stories are. And the way he is looking at you in that picture is priceless. What a sweet story!

  27. Loved this story, and your writing. A post from you in my feed is such a treat!

  28. As my husband and I celebrate our anniversary today I was touched by your story made me laugh and smile. I too have version of our first date which involves a beer garden, church trip, him on a date with another woman, and lots of laughter. It’s good to see old fashioned REAL romance.

  29. So SWEET!!! Awe, I am loving this soft side of you! (I let/made my hubby read your “I believe” post this evening, he loved as much as me!) We are silly together too. (Loved the ELF reference in the comments!) 🙂 Love you chickie! Devan

  30. I loved this and as my Cinderella/Fairy Tale obsessed daughters would say, “And they lived happily ever after!!”

  31. This just made my day even better! Today, on my 40th birthday and after spending 12 years with my husband and giving birth to our first (and most likely only) child in March, he told me that he is still madly in love with me and can’t image life without me. I knew after our third date that he was a keeper and he went so far as to tell his mother that he was either going to marry me or I was going to break his heart. I love the fact that real romance is still out there!

  32. Love this!

  33. Love! My husband proposed to me in his parents driveway while the police were at the next door neighbor’s house investigating a murder! Awesome! 7 1/2 years later I know I would say yes again in a heart beat!!! Thanks for sharing your beautiful live story!

  34. Love! My husband proposed to me in his parents driveway while the police were at the next door neighbor’s house investigating a murder! Awesome! 7 1/2 years later I know I would say yes again in a heart beat!!! Thanks for sharing your beautiful live story!

  35. Sweet and beyond perfectly imperfect. I loved it.

  36. I can’t relate to people who don’t have ridiculous stories.

  37. LOVE this. All of it. Even the vomit part. My guy & I got married after 5 months of knowing each other. I don’t think I’ve come across anyone else in recently memory who has that sort of “longevity” invested in their engagement, lol. All the best romances are those riddled with money issues, tons of kids & love all over! Thanks for sharing! =)

  38. What a great happily ever after story. Happy Father’s Day to Mr. BPM.

  39. On our first “date” I drank to much and thought to myself, I better kiss this cute boy before it’s too late because am definitely going to throw up tonight. We kissed and I immediately turned and threw up on the sidewalk. One year and twenty days later we were married. I love a great love story!

  40. I’m sitting here, smiling like a fool, and my husband just asked what my deal is: “What’s with that sappy grin?” My response? She didn’t vomit directly into his mouth. SUCCESS!!!!!!!!

    Seriously, loved this post and love you. For-ev-er.

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