No One Talks About My Thirst.

These days,  you can’t seem to throw an extra comma into a sentence without hitting the well meaning advice of others. For example, I personally like to serve my children dinner while twirling a baton, but, I bet there are some anti-baton twirling parents out there just waiting, in my bushes, or in the pile of dried wipes and coffee cups on the floor of my van, to jump up and tell me that batons have been known to cause concussions. Well sure, but, if you haven’t caused a concussion, clearly you didn’t throw the baton high enough. Attempting a grilled cheese plating and quadruple spin is tricky even with acoustic ceilings. If you miss the catch and no concussion occurs, you have some work to do on your power throws. Rookies.

My current favorite thing to do to invite scorn and disgruntled, angry eyes is to emphatically state how much I enjoy my evening glass of wine or cocktail. This bunches an amazing amount of freshly pressed pantaloons. In between sips of my delightful wine, I adjust my glasses and take special note to not listen to any of the impassioned cries urging me to enjoy my children uninhibited by numbing agents. In response to these pleas I say, do you even have children or have you just seen them in passing? I also say, I’ve gotten quite comfortable in this spot on the couch, do you mind refilling my glass?
In my time as the accused, I can honestly say, it’s always best to let someone know how sorry you feel for them as they enjoy a delicious cocktail. “Do you KNOW what you’re missing in your state of wine daze?”, they cry. Unless your answer is, the slightest edge off of the shrill death cry of freedom, then no, I don’t. I also don’t know where I put my glass. Have you seen it?
If you’re going to insult the very simple pleasures of others, here’s a bit of advice, it’s always best to do so with absurd and over the top statistics. Why no, I was not aware that 2 glasses of wine a day made someone who clearly has it all figured out seem like an overbearing, statistic maker-upper. Oh wine, you have clouded my judgment yet again.

In the eyes of the tsk-tskers, I am the Miss Hannigan to their Donna Reed. I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but, even donning my best Miss Hannigan boa and compression knee highs, I can’t pull off the bathtub gin. I don’t have a bathtub. It makes my accurate depiction nearly impossible. I’m doing the best I can. Those are big shoes to fill.

I imagine that even if I opted to find another outlet that provided release and relaxation, there would be no way to please everyone. And, if you can not please everyone, you should strive to make several people unimaginably and unreasonably offended for no valid reason. In this way, I am a huge success. Mission accomplished.

Cheers.





Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    LOVE it, Miss Bethany!! We ALL have our vices. Some over exercise, some lean on the antidepressant crutch, some sip the crazy away, some suck & puff on their sanity sticks. Why judge? Clearly if someone gas a “problem” you intervene but until then let’s all “accept”. It’s a new word for many.
    Group hug 🙂

  2. Anonymous says:

    Clearly, those people who would judge you and decry your enjoyment of fermented grapes are not understanding the benefits of antioxidants in a glass. Nor do they get invited to any parties, either.

  3. Ugh!!! Just hate those McJudgy types!!! I enjoy a glass of margarita myself most evenings and I don’t think one glass (beautifully salted) will send me over the edge or put me into a coma!!

    • I’m a salt-free rim girl myself, but, anyone who doesn’t understand the appeal of a margarita isn’t going to make it though to the bonus round when I start doing the running man to Gangham Style.

  4. I recently told a newly married friend “just wait til you have children and everyone judges your every move.” Everyone thinks they know how to be the best parent and tell you how you are not. Drink your wine!

  5. I truly hate those people and most of them don’t have children just yet. I am with you on this one and loved the Ms. Hannigan reference and could hear her singing “Little Kids” this morning, lol!!

  6. I adore you.

  7. I’m so over the judgment! I’m in the same boat as you. It’s all about survival over here…

  8. So funny! Seems like everyone has an opinion, doesn’t it? Do your thing, mama!!

  9. Amen, Sister! I’m right there with you with my glass of wine. Takes the sharp edge off most things, and from 4 pm on, there seem to be a lot more sharp edges with kids. I love your FB posts, just a little voice of reason throughout the day. Or we could call it enabling…either way,it works for me. Cheers!

  10. Sure there are some people that can’t handle drinking and definitively shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean there aren’t those of us that can totally be great parents and individuals while drinking on a regular basis. Not everyone is the same.

  11. People are judging you for drinking? Clearly, you aren’t hanging out with the right people. 😉

  12. I personally am delighted you used the word pantaloons, particularly in reference to them being in a bunch. Well done. I will now go pour a giant glass of Petit Syrah.

  13. You know what the Wine Judgers need? A glass of wine. Or three. And a poke in the eye.

  14. Would it be too much to ask if I could kiss you on the mouth? I’ll wait until you finish your wine, of course.

  15. Amen! You can come have a glass or three with me ;D

  16. I love commas, and wine! I have an afternoon-sized bottle often! CHEERS babe! <3 Devan

  17. I agree: wine, commas, and the word pantaloons are all awesome and necessary. Drink up and punctuate! (I did this post a while back about cheap wines; you may like it! I finally got to try the Borsao and it was really good!)
    http://talkingtogrownups.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/enjoying-life-on-a-budgetorhooray-for-booze/

  18. Pretty great post. I simply stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I
    have truly enjoyed surfing around your blog posts.
    After all I will be subscribing in your rss feed and I hope you write again soon!

    Here is my web page … http://Www.websiten.net

  19. Anonymous says:

    Reduce heat; simmer, uncovered, for 35 to 40mіnutes
    or tο dеsired сonsistency, stiггing occаsiοnallу.
    Layer bοttom with as much or aѕ littlе pіzza sauce as уou like.
    (onlу because they mοаned about eating theіг νeggіeѕ).

    my wеb blog pizza pan akron market
    my webpage :: http://loan74join.dmusic.net/journal/1773178

Speak Your Mind

*