Summer’s Last Stand

Who doesn’t love summer with its endlessness and perpetual abyss of all of your offspring under one roof? I enjoy my weekly shower and cold cup of coffee because life is revitalizing when freezing cold  and roughly scheduled. I also enjoy our 2 1/2 month inch toward poverty as the locusts children eat us out of house and home. Of course you can have all 15 of the Hot Pockets. I was saving them for the apocalypse, but, frankly that seems closer now than ever so, enjoy!

After several months home, the gifts of summer’s delight keep on giving, and giving, and giving and…come play with us Danny (elevator doors open in Overlook Hotel).



We’re going back to school shopping…forever and ever and ever and ever…


As we drag our weary, bedraggled bodies toward the home stretch, I can think of only two things: How many more days until school starts? and, How did I manage to only get a tan on my feet?

This week has brought more of the same. The zest of the initial June kiddie pool filling has been replaced with August 13ths, “Can’t you just go play NEAR the hose. I might turn it on later. I don’t know, maybe if you’re really thirsty.” and our bounding out of the gates trips to the park have turned into, “Hey kids, look out the window! There’s the park!” as we speed home from the grocery store. I’ve caved and they can smell my desperation. Desperation for Moms – the new scent by mothers, for mothers. A scent for the simple, complicated woman who just can’t wait for effing school to start. *whisper* DESSSSPERATION.

As swift as sand through the hourglass, so are the the days of our lives…except for the days of summer.

Now what, you ask? Exactly. I am out of ideas. I am out of pipe cleaners, glue and stickers. And, to quote the great philosopher, Prince, “Party over, oops out of time.” But, summer still had one sucker punch for me: Several days of torrential downpour. Game on, summer. One more chance to give it my “A game” or, to establish an A game since I’ve been riding the bench between C – and D, but, with the curve I’m hoping to pull it up to a solid B -.  Here’s hoping the kids accept my extra credit sprinkling of dirt on their note to the fairies that I passed off as fairy dust! Fingers crossed!

Now, I give you our rainy day summer projects you will NEVER see on Pinterest:

Weather Hats – They are fashionable and informative. If they are wet, it’s raining. If your forehead starts to smoke, the sun is shining. If the forecast calls for thunder and lightning, it’s time to ask yourself, Are you a bettin’ man? Well, are you?

You are seriously impressed right now. Who wouldn’t be? Now taking orders for my shop featured on Regretsy.

Telephone – Ring, Ring? Hello? Hello? HELLOOOOO? Just like when the phone rings during the day in my house, I’m going to ignore these calls too. The kids love that they can scream at each other from different rooms and I love that they are screaming things like, “HI! I CAN’T WAIT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL SO WE CAN GET AWAY FROM She’sLostIt McOutOfHerMind!” instead of screaming directly into each other’s faces about who gets to eat the fruit snack they just found under the radiator vent.



“What is the legal age you can emancipate yourself from your parents?”



They sure don’t make them like this anymore. Or, ever.

Sticks – This game is really neat. You go out in the rain and collect as many sticks as possible. Then, you put the sticks in a giant pile. Then, you pick up large debris, add it to the stick pile and, this is where it gets REALLY interesting, then rake smaller debris into the BIG pile until the yard is 100% absent of debris. After this, you apply for a burn permit through your local fire department and burn any debris that is not usable as mulch. Kids LOVE this game. You can thank me later.

If this doesn’t make you want to immediately run out and play “sticks”, well, then I guess FUN means something different to you.

I have to say, I think it’s clear I nailed it. Speaking of nails….well, we can get to that game next summer. I don’t want to give all of  my secrets away in one post.





Comments

  1. lee sloan says:

    How has no one commented on the use of your breast pump for the game of telephone! That is a great BPM and kuddos on the creative thinking for that one!

    • Thanks, Lee! Between using them for bubble blowers and telephones, I may just have to start my own Pinterest board titled: SHIZZ I can make out of pump shields.

    • Anonymous says:

      I knew they looked familiar!!!!! Bahahahahaaaaa!!!

    • The breast pumps made me laugh out loud. Hilarious! And a superb use for the breast pumps. And the weather hat rocks also. Foil’s cheap!

    • Somehow, though I’ve never used a breast pump, I knew right away those weren’t just funnels, they had to be related to a breast pump. And I’m sure the fancy ribbon gives telephone the certain je ne sais quoi it’s always been needing!!!

    • I am the self awarded MomGyver for all things breast pump related. Bubble wands, telephones, toddler tracing mechanisms for the perfect circle. Seriously, how am I not famous already. Hellooooo? 😉

  2. The weather hat could double as “alien protective device” … I think your end of summer ideas are WONDERFUL haha!! 🙂

    • Thank you! I love dual purpose items so this just makes me foil hat even better. Oh, and the price has just gone up on this item. I think with the new protection from Aliens feature, a cool $29.99 seems reasonable.

  3. You are my hero. As Ike would say in all earnestness, “No, SERIOUSLY!” XO

  4. I guess I wasn’t the only one who noticed the breast shields – I appreciate your environmentally conscious upcycling! Feel free to try our favorite indoor game, suctioning bottle nipples to our foreheads to see who can be a vaguely inappropriate unicorn the longest.

  5. You can also market the telephone as a dual end trumpet a la Miss Elsa.

    You can thank me later.

    • I fully anticipate that we will construct a band made entirely out of breast shield instruments. This is going to be HUGE. How about the name – It’s Breast Left Unsaid or Breast Friend Band or Breastest Friends? I should stop now, right?

  6. As I watch my children try and pull my drapes down for the hundredth time this year, I can’t help wishing they, too, were headed back to school. But, they’re two, and I’ll be headed to the liquor store after I give birth in three weeks.

    • Paige, can I drive you to the liquor store since I will only have 2 at home in 3 weeks? Also, I’m a terrible influence so, that could come in handy when you’re deciding just how much booze you need to make it though the week…or life.

    • Well, I haven’t drank in almost a year, so, yes, I could use some reliable advice on what I could drink ten glasses of and still write a coherent blog post. I also like the idea of stocking up for life. I just don’t have as much time to go to the liquor store as I used to.

  7. This is so great. LOL The Hot Pocket line slays me!

  8. Oh my god. YOU SUCK. And I love it!!!!

  9. You are a funny lady–& I’m your newest follower!!

  10. i wondered why the “telephone” looked so familiar. giggle.

  11. If you are unfamiliar with the Liebster Blog Award, it is a wonderful way for bloggers to acknowledge each other’s hard word. It helps to encourage a positive attitude toward one another as well as complement each other. I recently received this award for my site Happy Little Feet. I have been following your blog and loved it so I am handing the torch to you. To continue the pay it forward model you read my post here and link back to it once you have written your own.

  12. I f’ing love you! This is awesome!

    • Thank you! If you love this, I know we would be friends. SO, come on over around 9ish (a.m., of course) with a pitcher of mimosas. I’ll provide the second pitcher of mimosas. xo

    • Sweet, I work night shift so I missed this, so guess we can do…..hmmm, every day next week to make up for it? 🙂 I am still giggling at the sticks….lol

  13. Forget Pinterest! Start your own kid project blog now–you’ve got to get these ideas ASAP. Loving Sticks, and am so glad I’m not the only giving the baby pool the wary eye–seriously, a gal can only gleefully splash so much.

    • Meredith, can you imagine the readership for my kid project blog. It would be you and me. Maybe my Dad. Big Maybe. I am nothing if not entirely UN-crafty. Pinterest has helped by making me feel even more like a craft failure. This is why I try to surround myself with mothers with super hero craft qualities. Which reminds me, how would you feel about homemade unicorn horns? Please say yes (crossing fingers).

  14. I’m really digging sticks, the telephone, and the weather hats.Regretsy may be the next big site… I found you via Conversate Is Not A Word, and I am so glad I did! You are a funny gal and i look forward to reading more.

  15. I fear that if I tried to get my kids to play sticks, we would be missing at least one eyeball by the end of the afternoon.

  16. Omg, sticks! Love it! Ok, lady, i’m looking at four more weeks with my 2 little crazies and i’m already losing it. So thanks for the fun new games. Today we played “spa day”, which included “scratch mommy’s back” and my other favorite, “rub Mommy’s feet”. Maybe tomorrow we will play “tuck Mommy in for a nap”!

  17. I want the board of these projects on Pinterest. I NEED the board of these projects on Pinterest. Name it, “Pinterest for the Rest of Us.” I started laughing at the weather hats and haven’t stopped.

    You brought your A game to blogging. Ellen

  18. Just found you. Just started following you after this 1st post. Hilarious! Perfect. My Tater is going to Kindergarten in 2 weeks, so I’ll be bookmarking this post for next summer….what will I do, what will I do!!

  19. Hahaha, AWESOME post, I seriously love it. You are hilarious! I have a feeling that when my daughter is a little older this is exactly how our summers will be! Can’t wait to read more!:)

    Brooke
    http://crazy-mama-drama.blogspot.com/

  20. Desperation: 50% of the time it works every time.

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