This Is My Birthday Song. It Isn’t Very Long.

It’s almost my birthday. I know what you’re thinking. Whoopdee Freakin’ Do! I had my first child when I was 26. Since then, my birthdays have become increasingly more dismal as the years have progressed. Before you leave me a nasty comment telling me how ungrateful I am, please know that you can shove it. Yes, I have a lovely life. Yes, I have wonderful children. Yes, I want someone to make me a damn cake. I’d prefer it not be me.

Birthday morning: Happy Birthday to ME! If I’m lucky, someone will cry/scream/sob, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAHHHHHHMYYYYYYY!” and spit toddler drool directly into my face as they pull my hair and tell me they’ve pooped. Who needs presents after a greeting like that? Since it’s my special day , they insist on pancakes and eat them. All. I might be able to salvage the few pieces that hit the floor. Hey, 3 second…or minute…or hour rule.

Birthday afternoon: Since my birthday is in the summer, I always have the distinct pleasure of having all four of the children home with me. Aren’t I the luckiest? The afternoon consists of them asking where I plan to take them on my special day. Wouldn’t I love to take them to the local pool? Who wouldn’t? I always hope it’s jam packed with  young people with tanned, perfect bodies because I just don’t get enough opportunity to hang out with exceptional human specimens while I’m practically naked. Besides, my varicose veins could use some sun. I leave the pool exhausted, humiliated and with at least one screaming child under my arm. Before I load them into the car, I check to make sure the screaming child is mine.  I also leave confident that I’ve done my part to help prevent teen pregnancy just by being there. Good deed for humanity for the year? Check.

Birthday evening: Red eyed and exhausted, the gremlins are hungry. I weigh the idea of having a “relaxing” birthday dinner out with all of the kids and then immediately slap my own face. How much chlorine did I swallow today? While I decide which kind of tasteless, delivery pizza to order, I get excited when I remember that one of the local chains sent me a coupon for a free, small cheese pizza. This day keeps getting better. As the delivery man is out front, inevitably a family will walk down the road in front of my house, see the pizza delivery man, the screaming, diaper clad children and me carrying a bottle of wine…in my teeth with the baby in the pack. I see the relief on their faces when they realize they don’t know us. I resist the urge to shout, “TAKE ME WITH YOU, (under my breath) you judgemental a-holes!”

Birthday night: Husband comes home and asks me if I had a great day. I am three glasses of wine in and mumble something about magic and unicorns. He then sets to task getting them ready for bed during which time I hear no more than 100 times, “What is WRONG with all of you? I hope you didn’t act like this all day on your Mother’s birthday!” I incessantly roll my eyes from my new residence on the couch. I open husband’s birthday card which is something along the lines of, “Hey sexy birthday lady! How do you stay so sexy? P.S. You are sexy.” and I shake my fist at the universe because, of course, MY special day is not over. Not by a long shot.

And, there you have it. A birthday deconstructed. On July 8th, think of me fondly, and, while you are drinking your morning latte, mimosa, Bloody Mary or tea, please take a moment to pour a little out on pavement for your soon to be fallen birthday comrade.

It’s my birthday and all I got was this lousy blog post. (Coming soon to a t-shirt on me!)

Maybe for my 40th? A girl can dream.

If I get this cake this year, I might forgive all other birthday transgressions.


  1. Absolute hilarity!! I’m laughing so hard, I have a muscle spasm in my unexercised side. That first cake is a party on a platter and the second? Well, it’s too bad I didn’t see this before The Hubby’s 50th last weekend or it woulda been a done deal. I promise to drink heavily and eat at a fancy restaurant just for you on your birthday. After all, what are blogger friends for? Happy Birthday, Soon-To-Be-Birthday Girl!

  2. Happy Birthday! 🙂 Some how, all us moms end up doing exactly what our kids want for our birthdays. I can so relate. I love the Ken doll cake. How funny.

  3. I want to make that cake!

  4. Word, lady, WORD. This post is the TRUTH!

    I ask for TWO special days a year. That’s it. TWO. Mother’s Day and my birthday. And NO, honey, I will NOT share Mother’s day with your mother who is from another country because they have their OWN mother’s day. She does NOT make the day special for me. Quite to the contrary. And since you seem to think that you are the world’s greatest birthday cake maker/decorator (as noted by your criticisms when I am making cakes for the children’s birthdays) hows about making one for ME? And breakfast on Mother’s Day should be made by someone-ANYONE-other than ME! And if, for some insane reason I DO wind up making the french toast or homemade waffles or pancakes from scratch, I BETTER not have to do the dishes. And I get dibs on the comics. Oh, and RESERVATIONS. Write that down. R-E-S-E-R-V-A-T-I-O-N-S. You have to pick up the phone TWICE. Once to call the restaurant and then to call the babysitter. I shouldn’t have to do that. Shouldn’t.

    I’m sorry…what were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Your birthday. Happy Birthday! I sincerely hope you have a lovely day of not having to do anything you don’t WANT to do. (because who really wants to do laundry, dishes, make their own cake…)

    And on a final note, since I have decided to rant about my own nonsense on your blog, I ALSO have two children (AKA Rabid Spider Monkeys) who could be the poster children for Birth Control. I think I may have convinced my brother in law and his fiance that they really wouldn’t be up to the task of child rearing. And in THAT I have done my duty to society.

    You’re Welcome, Society!

    • WORD, sister. I think you and I may have a lot to talk about. If you can get here by July 8th with several bottles of booze, I will provide the kiddie pool. Deal? Deal.

      Thanks for reading, Cat!

    • July 8th huh? OK, I come to your house and get you liqured up for your day of happiness, and you can come over on August 7th for mine…I have one of those wiggly sprinklers…

    • Hey ladies, can I crash your bday celebration – pleeeeeease? Mine is in March, but I’ll come in support of your summer birthdayness, and maybe to complain a little about how my son’s bday is the day before mine, so “my” cake is always the half-eaten junky mess of his leftover cake. Also, you’ve inspired me to never agree to make pancakes on my own bday again – or maybe EVER!

      P.S. You ARE sexy, but I promise not to put that in your card or make my move right there by the kiddie pool. Unless I drink too much (spoiler alert – I will).

    • Robyn, if you DON’T crash, I’ll be highly offended. You bring the boombox. I will bring the Zima and we will show those perfect bodies who is BOSS. Think of how jealous they will be when we bust out the old 90s dances. I do a wicked sprinkler. This is shaping up to possibly be the best birthday ever.

    • LOL, Robyn, I just saw you posted on here…I guess you really ARE stalking me! I thought it was supposed to be the other way ’round? But, whatevs…hey, if those pee-pubecsent (Hang on, I just have to say that spell checker, my old friend, wanted to change PRE-pubecsent to PEE-Pubecsent. I had nothing to do with that. Clearly, Spell checker is a woman and understands what happens to our vaginas and all other local anatomy after we have children)…Where was I? Oh, those little whipper snappers…if they have the audacity to flaunt their first chapter bodies in front of us, I can sit on them. Heck, I’m big enough that I can sit on a couple of them. AND Since I just discovered a yummy frozen drink called a Peach Bellini (It has peach schnaps. Need I say more?) I will be so shit faced I may not be able to get up.

      PEACH SCHNAPS ICE CREAM SOCIAL BIRTHDAY PARTY ON THE BEACH (since I don’t have a pool) FOR EVERYONE!!!!! And with that, I have managed to incorporate three of my fav blogs in one loud sentence. This really WILL be a great birthday! Come celebrate with me! =D

  5. At least 3 glasses of wine factor in there!
    Happy summer birthday to you!

  6. What? No “morning margarita”? C’mon! Don’t be a stiff. 😉

    Just kidding. Happy birthday early!

    stopping by from Finding the Funny

  7. I feel your pain, my birhtday is the 11th & my husband has already planned a fun filled family day (shoot me now) with the both of us & our 3 1/2 yr old daughter who has a princess complex (she thinks she is a princess). Its a day full of fun stuff that my child will enjoy & I will need a sedative by the end of the day…

  8. I just came across ur blog, its pretty amazing I must say! So inspiring to us mothers who have had days like I’ve had for the past week with a toddler going through terrible 2s and a 4half year old who thinks she can do whatever she wants! Happy early birthday! And just think, it could be worse, my daughters bday is Dec 28th and mine is the 30th. My birthday no longer exsists between her birthday and new years. My husband used to laugh about our birthdays, that was until I blessed him with our second child the day after his Feb 13th =)

  9. “Hey sexy birthday lady! How do you stay so sexy? P.S. You are sexy.” and I shake my fist at the universe because, of course, MY special day is not over. Not by a long shot.”

    Hilarity at it’s finest! I loved the whole blog post, laughed over and over again, but these sentences are the ones that made me spring up from my sprawled position on the couch, almost knock my toddler on the hardwood floor, and capture me in sezing cramps of laughter.

    You are definitly my most loved blog as of this moment!

  10. Well said! Although my husband tries, my b-day falls not that far after Christmas and with snow, I am cooped in and at their mercy. And I agree with your other blog reader. Mother’s Day is not to be shared. Just because his Mother brought my husband into the world, doesn’t mean that I need to spend every Mother’s Day with her. She done raised her kid. My turn to celebrate raising mine.
    Happy Birthday! Stay funny! Keep sharing! And, if I lived by you, I’d have you drunk by 10am on your birthday making pool time with the kids very entertaining.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Love it!! Shared it (along with a comment about wanting to grocery shop w/ you so all our screaming children could make those judgers really have fits). Hate to think that I was probably once that condescending B… ugh. Karma sucks, lol. Happy birthday! We’re a few days shy of sharing.

  12. Happy Birthday. I hear you. After a few years of birthday’s like that (I’m in the winter – no chance of escaping outside), I finally put my foot down. I now have the entire day off. My husband is REQUIRED to take care of them for the entire day and I go to the spa. Yep. I save all year to have 1 day off….I don’t cook, clean, or take care of the kids (playing with them and making a mess of the living room for Hubs to clean up is a birthday bonus). That one day off makes me feel human again, and the “glow” lasts a few months until I start dreaming about the next year.

  13. HaHA!! Happy birthday–totally right on the money! Greatest fear: by the time we can celebrate kid-free, will we be too old to celebrate at all? Hope you enjoyed your pizza and the wine 😉

  14. Oh sweet Lawrd… got this right on. The only other thing I could add is having to plan my own celebration, which usually ends up being dinner, somewhere that they make you wear silly hats and sing to you, cause the KIDS love it. I would love for my husband to send me out for a spa day while he’s cleaninghouse getting it ready for the surprise party that he put together……sigh.

    LOVE this!

  15. Yeah…I have my anniversary, my bday and mothers day all within 2 weeks of eachother. You’d think I could EEEK out one day – ONE. DAY. No such luck. Meanwhile last Saturday (7/7 as my daughters bday is also 7/8) I threw a party of all parties for her, 45 people – food, water slides, the WORKS. I told her that morning – NO CRYING OF ANY KIND ALL DAY! I will cancel next years bday if it happens. I did not work this hard to hear “BUUUUUUTTTT I WANTED THE PURPLE SQUIRT GUUUUUUN!!!!” I will lose my shit, fo reals. Happy belated birthday girl! (I am just catching up on some of your back stuff, oh and I think that Ken cake is a hoot!!)

  16. i must have that cake!!!!

    my birthday was sucky too. i laid out all the birthday card making supplies the day before (hint hint) and my kids proceeded to make cards for SOMEONE ELSE and not me. the only present i got was from my mom… a BASEBALL GLOVE. bought myself some new shoes and drank heavily.

    • Oh Susan, I am drinking heavily right now….just because of this comment. Solidarity, sister! I’m imaging a HUGE birthday card made out of unicorn glitter, rainbow dust and your favorite cookies. xo, BPM

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