Dearest Barbie, This Is Your Intervention.

Barbie, since your launch in 1959, you have been some of the following amazing careers:

Dentist
Doctor
Nurse
Veterinarian
Paratrooper
United States Army officer
Jet Pilot
United States Air Force Thunderbirds
United States Marine Corps Officer
United States Navy Petty Officer
Ambassador for world peace
Presidential candidate
UNICEF Summit diplomat
Firefighter
Police officer
Architect
Astronaut
Computer Engineer
Paleontologist
Flight Attendant
Pilot
Artist
Athlete
News anchor
Photographer

You know what else you’ve been since 1959? A straight up, hot mess, tore up from the floor up drunk. Bitch, this is your intervention.

Sure, you show up at my house in your nice, clean suit, your hair perfectly quaffed and ready to teach my girls that they can be whoever and whatever they want to be. Then, we pull you out of that box and you become a love sick, drinking booze at 10:30 a.m., drunk dialing Ken, stripper shoe wearing freak.What the HELL, Barbie? No wonder your strapped in a box like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. Mattel is your captor. You just want to let your freak flag fly, but, oh no, they are going to make you a woman of substance no matter what. And, as long as you’re trapped in your little, plastic box everything is a-ok.Β  You get out of that box and shit gets real. Way real.Β  Jersey Shore real.

In every house I have EVER been in, you are in the same scenario. Naked (generally, ass up), Your hair? Totally disheveled and multiple lengths. Your shoes? Platform ass kicking boots or 7 inch heels. You are generally in a compromising situation with at least 3 to 10 other naked Barbies.Β  Your face? Covered in marker, lipstick or glitter glue. You like to party. Hard.

Your next gig? I’m voting for a long stay at the Betty Ford Clinic where you do some big ol’ soul searching with your Double Delights. Are you sad because you lack a real vagina? For all your charm, good looks and career stardom, is it the dark depression of knowing Ken will NEVER really love you? Ken digs Men, mmm-k, girl?

During your Betty Ford stay, you just might find your true calling as an Addiction Treatment Specialist. The writing is on the wall, or, it’s on your face…with permanent marker.

I love you. We ALL love you. Get help.

Hit and Run Barbie?
She drank so much her arm fell off.

Eyes Wide Shut




Comments

  1. Too funny and so true! Those damn Barbies are sluts, I’m glad my kids are over that phase – no more Barbies in my house. However, my husband likes to watch Intervention, I’ll tell him to look out for any Barbie episodes!

  2. Hahahahahaha!Ahahahahahahahaha! (gasping for breath) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gaddang you are funny, Bethany! (wiping away tears)
    Oh I’m so glad I have boys. ;P

  3. WOW! I’m starting to have second thoughts about my GI Joes… “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” comes to mind!

    We still have that homemade Barbie dresser with the drawers marked “Hillary” , Bethany” , etc. (so god-forbid your accessories wouldn’t inter mingle!), only now it’s in the garage (courtesy of Diane) holding little screws, bolts and miscellaneous pieces of mysterious hardware. I laugh every time I see it.

    Had I known then (during your childhood) what I know now (after your expose), I would have bought you something less damaging, like lawn darts or a Mr. Potato Head… hmmm, on second thought… πŸ˜‰

    Love,

    Dad

  4. LOL – she is a serious hot mess!

  5. Haha! Yes, Barbie needs help fast! I love how you said she was strapped into her box because she’s crazy and needs an intervention. You are so right!

  6. I always knew Barbie was a whore. πŸ™‚ Good for you for trying to set her straight.

    Thanks for linking up to #findingthefunny.

  7. Strapped in her box like Hannibal Lecter. BWAHAHAHAH! So funny. Ellen

  8. Made a BIG mistake by reading this at work! I think the people in the cubicle next to me believe I’ve lost it. I’m giggling so hard the tears are streaming down my face. Too funny!
    Barbie meets the Jersey Shore in our house, every day.

  9. Thank you, Mary! Don’t let Catie know my true feelings about Barbie…it may break her heart. πŸ™‚

  10. I actually laughed ut loud at this – too funny! And too true. I think every doll in my daughter’s room has been shoved face-first into the closet at one point or another, splay-legged with designer sparkle tights hanging from one ankle, but Barbie is by far the worst offender. Moster High dolls are actually much more demure, though that’s probably only because their clothes are just this side of impossible to remove. πŸ™‚

  11. OMG, this is HYSTERICAL!! I love your blog! Would you be interested in joining a Triberr tribe with me for funny ladies? If you’re not familiar with Triberr, I’ll tell you a bit about it. It’s basically a “reach extender” that allows your posts to be seen by a much wider audience than if you were going it alone. You basically join a “tribe” of like-minded individuals, and we all tweet each others’ posts and therefore increase our audiences tremendously. It’s a win-win! I’d love to have you in my tribe…the “Funny Mamas!” Let me know if you’d be interested! You can DM me on twitter @mymisadventure.

    Have a great week, funny lady!
    Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood

  12. OH, and I Stumbled this for you too! Hopefully it will bring you some additional traffic! πŸ™‚

Speak Your Mind

*